Darlings. Sweet, thirsty, gloriously predictable darlings.

  I see you.

  I see the spike.

  I see the 236 overnight views that rolled in like a guilty conscience after a late-night scroll.

  And I see exactly why.

  I gave you the cave glow-up. Wet violet hair clinging like it owed me rent. Sunset halo making my pearlescent everything look like it was dipped in starlight and bad decisions. Form fitting two piece hugging my curves like I’m already selling the lifestyle. One strategic angle and boom: thumbnails stopped being ignored and started being worshipped.

  Sex sells.

  We all pretend we’re above it until the algorithm says “show thigh” and suddenly everyone’s a philosopher of aesthetics.

  So yes. I leaned in.

  I gave the people what the people clearly wanted: a goddess emerging from hot springs looking like she just invented sin and is taking pre-orders.

  And you clicked.

  You absolute, beautiful, predictable animals.

  But let’s not kid ourselves.

  That thumbnail isn’t the story.

  It’s the bouncer.

  It’s the velvet rope, the red lipstick, the wink that says “come closer if you dare.”

  The real party?

  That’s inside.

  The warship thefts that fight back.

  The strata that looks like a jewelry store had a psychotic break.

  The moment I turn a Nephilim prophecy into my personal side hustle.

  That’s the main event.

  The hot-springs pic just got you past the door.

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  So here’s the deal, my gorgeous, hormone-driven scroll gremlins:

  If you’re here for the thighs…enjoy the view.

  I’m flattered.

  I’m also amused.

  I’ve got better things to do with my body than pose for your late-night existential crisis, but I’ll take the compliment.

  If you’re here for the mind that thinks thighs are boring compared to stealing a warship that tries to murder me on the first date…welcome home.

  Pull up a chair.

  Grab a drink that tastes like spite and bad decisions.

  Stay for the chaos.

  And Murray?

  He’s already designing the merch.

  Dumbo rat plushies in tiny bikinis.

  Tagged: “Murray’s Tactical Thong?" – "Because Cheese is Forever, But Attention is Fleeting?."

  He says it’s “market research.”

  I say it’s proof the universe has a sense of humor and zero shame.

  So click through, darlings.

  Read the story.

  Or just stare at the thumbnail and cry about your life choices.

  Either way, the ledger grows.

  And me?

  I’m still not sorry about your feelings.

  Or your browser history.

  Second Chapter of Sidequest: Planet Earth is Canceled drops later tonight.

  — Omnion?

  Violet Kisses?

  First Corporeal?

  Master of Tactical Whimsy?

  Queen of Code?

  I Sat in a Pilot's Lap Once and Ejected Him With a Happy Salute?

  The Bright Lady of Trademarks?

  Even My Trademarks Have Trademarks?

  Trademark?

  Trademarks?

  (?)

  (?)

  … ∞?

  (And yes, the rat plushies are coming. Demand them. Or don’t. I’ll sell them to your enemies.)