"So," Kai said, wiping chocolate off his shirt. "Let me get this straight. You waited seven centuries to give me a sword, I turned it into a pumpkin, and now you’re following me because you have nowhere else to go?"

  "I am bound by the Oath of the Quest," Gideon muttered. He was walking stiffly down the dirt road, partly because his armor was rusted at the joints, and partly because he was carrying a large pumpkin under one arm like a football. "Where the Hero goes, I must follow. Even if the Hero is a chaotic fruit-mancer."

  "Stop calling me that," Kai said.

  They were walking down a road that looked pleasantly normal. No 2D trees. No T-posing bandits. Just dirt, grass, and the occasional cow that mooed with correct audio synchronization.

  "We approach the Capital," Gideon said, pointing a gauntleted finger.

  Ahead of them rose the walls of Oakhaven. It was a classic fantasy town: high stone walls, timber-framed houses peeking over the top, and a large iron gate manned by two guards holding spears.

  "Finally," Kai sighed. "Civilization. A bed. A shower. Maybe someone who can explain why I have an edit button for reality."

  "Halt!"

  As they reached the gate, the two guards crossed their spears. They looked bored, tired, and underpaid. Their armor was dull, and one was chewing on a piece of straw.

  "State your business," the Left Guard drawled. He looked at Gideon. "Sir Knight, you are covered in moss. There is a bird on your shoulder. And... is that a pumpkin?"

  "It is the... er... Orb of the Harvest," Gideon lied with surprising quickness, standing up straighter. "A sacred relic. Do not gaze upon it too closely, lest you be cursed with seeds."

  "Right," the guard said, unconvinced but paid too little to care. He turned to Kai. "And you? You're wearing strange clothes. No armor. No cloak. You look like a peasant from a land of cotton weavers."

  "I'm a traveler," Kai said. "We just want to get in."

  "Entry requires identification," the Right Guard said, tapping a parchment sign nailed to the wall. "City Ordinance 404. No entry without a valid Guild Card, Noble Writ, or a City Pass."

  Kai patted his pockets. He had his phone (dead battery), his wallet (useless Earth money), and a gum wrapper.

  "I don't have a Guild Card," Kai said.

  "Then you cannot enter," the Left Guard said, crossing his arms. "Beat it, vagrants. The city is full."

  Kai felt the familiar irritation bubbling up. He was tired. He smelled like burnt skiff and chocolate. His feet hurt. He just wanted to sleep indoors.

  "Look," Kai said, stepping forward. "We don't need to make this a big deal. We're not vagrants. I just need a Pass."

  He visualized a piece of paper. A simple entry permit. Just a small, stamped card that said 'Let this guy in.'

  Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  "I just want a Pass!" Kai emphasized the word, focusing his will.

  Ping.

  [ System Message: Input Received. "Pass." ]

  [ Audio Analysis: Ambiguous pronunciation detected. ]

  [ Did you mean: "Bass"? ]

  Kai’s eyes widened. "No! Don't you dare—"

  SQUELCH.

  The air shimmered with a wet slapping sound.

  Kai’s hand, which had been reaching out to mime holding a card, was suddenly heavy. Very heavy. And cold. And slimy.

  He looked down. He was gripping the slippery, scaly tail of a massive Largemouth Bass. The fish was easily three feet long, glistening with fresh river water. It stared up at the guards with a dead, fishy eye before giving a violent, muscular thrash.

  FLOP.

  The fish swung in Kai’s grip like a wet club. It slapped the Left Guard directly across the face with a sound like a wet towel hitting concrete.

  WHACK.

  Silence descended on the gate.

  The Guard stood frozen, a trail of fish slime dripping slowly down his metal helmet and onto his nose. His cheek turned bright red.

  "I..." Kai stammered, holding the giant fish, which was now wriggling frantically. "I can explain. This is... a peace offering?"

  "You..." The Guard touched the slime on his face. His eyes bulged. "You struck an Officer of the Watch? With a Haddock?!"

  "It is a Bass, actually," Gideon noted helpfully from behind. "A fine specimen."

  "SEIZE THEM!" the Guard shrieked, leveling his spear.

  "Run," Kai said.

  "Run?" Gideon asked, adjusting his grip on the pumpkin.

  "RUN!"

  Kai heaved the bass at the Right Guard. The fish hit the man in the chest with a heavy thud, knocking the wind out of him.

  "This way!" Kai grabbed Gideon’s tattered red cape and hauled him toward the open gate before the guards could recover.

  "We are breaking the law!" Gideon yelled, clanking along as they sprinted through the archway. "This is not Heroic behavior!"

  "I'm not a Hero!" Kai shouted back. "I'm a wanted criminal with a fish! Just run!"

  They bolted into the crowded streets of Oakhaven. Behind them, alarms began to ring—heavy iron bells clanging in the distance.

  "Great," Kai panted as they ducked into a narrow alleyway, hiding behind a stack of rotting crates. "Five minutes in the city and I'm already a fugitive."

  "You assaulted a guard," Gideon whispered, looking scandalous. "With a river creature. That is a felony in most provinces."

  "I asked for a PASS!" Kai hissed at the empty air, shaking his fist. "A Pass! P-A-S-S!"

  Ping.

  [ System Message: Correction noted. ]

  [ Did you mean: "Ass"? ]

  [ Summoning Donkey in 3... 2... ]

  "NO! CANCEL! CANCEL!" Kai waved his hands frantically, sweat pouring down his forehead.

  The System paused.

  [ Operation Cancelled. You're lucky. ]

  Kai slid down the brick wall, burying his head in his hands. "I hate this power. I hate it so much."

  Gideon patted him on the shoulder with a heavy gauntlet. "Do not despair, chaotic one. At least we are inside."

  Kai looked up. "Yeah. We're inside. Starving, broke, holding a pumpkin, and hunted by the fish police. What do we do now?"

  Gideon pointed to a large wooden sign hanging above a rowdy building across the street. It depicted a sword crossing a shield.

  "We seek the Adventurer's Guild," Gideon said solemnly. "They accept all manner of strange folk. Even those who weaponize seafood."

  Kai sighed and stood up. "Fine. Let's go join the guild. Try not to mention the vegetable sword."

  "I shall guard the secret with my life," Gideon promised, patting the pumpkin. "Come, my liege. Adventure awaits."

  "Please stop talking," Kai muttered.