Enochia held the black stone up in front of her face like it was a camera.

  “Heyooo chat,” she started, voice dropping into that exaggerated streamer voice. “Cheat Code Chia reporting live from the world’s most extra sauna. Welcome back to episode two of ‘I Should Be Dead but Apparently God Said LOL NO, THANK FUCKING CHRIST!’ Subtitle: ‘Why Is This Hell So Chill, Actually?’”

  She kept walking parallel to the glowing orange flow, boots crunching on brittle black stones that cracked like burnt sugar underfoot. The heat pressed against her armor in thick waves, but after the crab fight it felt almost comforting.

  “You’d think Hell would be, y’know… Hell? Screaming, fire everywhere, demons with tax forms asking why you pirated that one movie in 2017. But nah. I got crabs to munch on and a really, really hot bath. Ten out of ten for aesthetics, two out of ten for drinks. Speaking of which, do not, I repeat, do not, drink the broth if you ever end up here. It’s like someone took ocean water and tried cooking with it. But you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.”

  She paused to kick a loose pebble into the lava. It hissed, popped, then vanished. “Respect to those survival shows now, though. The ones where they drop some randos in the woods with nothing but a multitool. I haven’t stooped to eating bugs yet, thank fuck, but if the next boss is a giant centipede, my principles are officially on vacation.”

  She grinned at the stone, all teeth and tired mischief. “Oh right, loot showcase time! Check this bad boy out.”

  With a lazy mental flick, she summoned the [Crab Shell] again. The shield-sized chunk of carapace appeared in her other hand. She held both up to the “camera,” tilting the shell so the lava light caught the inner ridges.

  “See this? Looks like it should weigh a ton, but nope. Featherweight. But wait, here’s the real reason I decided to show it to you.”

  She stopped walking, planted her feet, and dropped the shell flat on the scorched ground with a dull clunk. Then, without hurry, she lifted one armored boot and stomped down hard enough that the impact rang up her leg like hitting rebar.

  Nothing. Not a crack. Not a chip. The shell just sat there.

  She crouched, picked it back up, and gave it a few experimental punches, to no end. Still pristine. She even channeled a quick [Chains of Nebuchadnezzar], letting a single chain whip out and smack it square in the center. The chain rebounded like it had hit a wall while the shell didn’t even scuff.

  “Borderline indestructible, chat. I spent like ten minutes beating the shit out of it earlier. This thing could probably tank a truck and ask for seconds. Armor plates incoming once I find someone who knows which end of a hammer to hold.”

  She dismissed the shell back to inventory, then stretched her arms over her head until her spine popped in three satisfying places. “Anyway, I took a solid hour break just now, sunbathing, if you can call sitting next to molten rock ‘sunbathing.’ No tan, sadly. My pasty ass remains pasty.”

  She started walking again, slower now, scanning the distant ceiling.

  “Stay tuned, lovelies. I’ve got a feeling the next stretch has something fun waiting. Secret quest appearance imminent. Can’t wait for you guys to meet him! Either way, content incoming. Like, subscribe, smash that bell, all that jazz. Or don’t. I’m talking to a rock. CYA soon, baibai.”

  She blew a kiss at the black stone, then threw it to the ground.

  She did a quick giggle to herself, before she muttered, “God I love holding up on people.”

  With a casual flick of her wrist she summoned the strange black and thorny crown into her fingers. She began to spin it around her index finger, grinning wide enough that her canines flashed.

  ─────────────────────────────

  [UNCOMMON ITEM ? CROWN OF THE DROWNED MATRON

  A crown mimicking the jagged carapace of a large volcano crab.

  Effect:

  +5 Defense

  +15% resistance to fire and burn effects

  Drowned Dash (Active, 3 charges): Propel forward 8 feet in a scalding steam burst, slowing enemies hit by 20% for 3 seconds (recharge: 1 charge every 5 min)

  Slot: Head

  ─────────────────────────────

  “This really does suit me, don’t you think babe?” she asked Roo, pitching her voice up as much as she could.

  Silence.

  Big, fat, judgmental silence from the empty air where an angel ought to have answered her.

  If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  Her grin twitched sideways. “Yeah, totally, who the fuck cares, right?” she muttered, and jammed the crown onto her head.

  Admittedly it looked good on her. The whole thing sat heavy but not uncomfortable, like it had been waiting for exactly the shape of her skull to claim. She couldn’t see herself, since lava kinda didn’t have a reflection. But she was certain she looked demonic as hell now. Pun totally intended by the way!

  She reached up, ran a fingertip along one of the tips, and began to think about that description a bit more. ‘I can’t believe it actually has a skill though, I got really lucky!’

  Most, if not all of her really good gear had been locked away in that stupid safe back in her private dorm the morning of day one, administrators droning on about “no external enhancements in the school grounds” like they were doing her a favor. Which, duh, she regretted approximately every three seconds since waking up in this place, but hindsight was a bitch.

  Still. This? This was stupid good. +5 Defense was nothing to sneeze at, the fire resistance was basically tailor-made for the current aesthetic (even if again, was totally useless on her!), and Drowned Dash? That was rare-item territory on paper!

  She shook her head to clear the daydream, then without a chant, she triggered the ability.

  Nothing happened for a bit, before she felt herself begin to heat up? ‘The fuck?? Isn’t this supposed to be a daAAAAAAA!!!!!’

  As soon as her body reached that certain temperature, she was launched straight forward, straight ahead, but at such speeds that it was really hard for her to keep her balance straight. Then, at round the five feet part of her dash, the worst possible thing happened… She tripped.

  Not a graceful stumble, but a full-body, limbs-flailing, dignity-erasing faceplant. “SHI—” was all she managed before her cheek met black volcanic stone. The impact jarred every tooth in her skull, bounced her once like a skipped stone, then sent her skidding forward on her stomach for another humiliating three feet.

  She lay there for a long second, spread-eagled and steaming, one gauntleted hand twitching.

  Then she started giggling.

  Low at first, hiccuping into the stone, then louder, wilder, the kind of laugh that hurt her ribs and made her eyes water.

  “That was fucking awesome!” she wheezed, rolling onto her back so she could stare up at the dripping ceiling. “Holy shit. It felt like riding a bike for the first time—like I couldn’t control myself but could so easily feel that I had control too. Paradox sounding once said out loud, but it makes sense to me, okay?”

  She pushed herself up on her elbows, still grinning like an idiot, wiped a smear of soot off her cheek with the back of her hand.

  She touched the top of her head, fingers brushing first against the familiar rough curve of one of her own horns instead of the crown she’d been expecting, and the contact sent a tiny jolt through her.

  Her hand dropped so fast it might as well have been instant. She huffed a short, self-deprecating laugh through her nose. “Nope. Not doing that existential crisis thingy again. Time to move the fuck on, and escape this hole.”

  With that decisive little internal pep-talk, she dusted volcanic grit off her front and started walking again.

  After around a dozen steps of nothing, Enochia started to hum. “Mmm-hmm-hmm da-da-dum…” lazy, almost sleepy, looping back on itself whenever she forgot where she was going with it.

  'Is there something I’m missing?' she thought, eyes flicking left and. 'Feels like I’m forgetting a whole mechanic or something similar. That crab encounter was kinda tough, and I felt that I should have been much stronger.'

  She kept walking, humming quieter now.

  'Ok ok, I rested for a while back there. Right now, I’m at full HP, full MANA and everything topped off. I also made sure Cervain was sitting pretty at full HP too… God, I hope he doesn’t hate me after what I did to him. That was fucked. But he’s fine now. Right? Right.'

  She kicked a small rock into the lava. It skipped once, twice, then vanished with a tiny disappointed hiss.

  'I tried to make him eat the crab legs and even offered him some of that disgusting broth. Guy looked at me like I’d asked him to French-kiss a frog. Fair. The mining guy—Steve, I’m one hundred percent calling him Steve forever now—he didn’t want any either. They’re summons, yeah, but… they feel so human. Like, uncomfortably human. Had to at least ask, yknow?'

  Another rock, another kick. Plop. Hiss.

  'By the way, regeneration works the same for them as it does for me. Out of combat, just tick-tick-tick back to green. Even his armor patched itself up fully. For humans that’s straight-up impossible. Arms don’t grow back. Fingers don’t regrow. Second- or third-degree burns? I’m actually not sure about that... Yooo, wait up, do people actually regenerate burns like that? Like, real-world humans?I bet they are learning about stuff like that up there. Can’t believe a day came where I’m jealous of someone in school.'

  She stopped humming mid-note, slapped her own cheeks three times in quick succession, left, right, left, hard enough to sting.

  “NO MORE GLOOM!” She announced to none!

  Up ahead, a bigger rock squatted right in the middle of her path, and it was perfect size for a dramatic punt. She wound up like a soccer player going for the winning goal, leg swinging back, momentum building, then—

  THUNK.

  Her armored boot connected solidly… and the rock didn’t budge an inch.

  Extreme pain lanced up through her toes.

  “BITCH!” she yelped, hopping on one foot and clutching her shin. “Motherfucking—!”

  The “rock” was, in fact, the visible tip of something much, much larger. It had to be some ancient volcanic boulder buried deep, with only its little dome poking above the surface.

  She got a tick. A real, twitching, eye-twitching tick.

  “Fuck you,” she growled, and without another word she channeled [Chains of Nebuchadnezzar]

  One thick chain erupted from her palm in a whip-crack blur, then slammed down. The chain hit the rock-tip dead-center and kept going, shattering the exposed chunk into gravel confetti.

  “FUCK YOU,” she added for emphasis.

  She flicked her fingers. [Dispel]

  Just as the chain was beginning to disappear, a soft notification window bloomed right in the center of her HUD.

  [It is recommended to open the Shop for the first time]

  Enochia froze mid-step as her mouth fell open.

  “Oh FUCK,” she breathed, eyes going huge under the crab-crown. “Roo, you are the GOAT, I forgot all about that!”