“Well, they love to tell lies. The gobbler acts like a conduit. Once you’re all comfy, it stops sucking at your urge to move and starts gobbling your will to lie. Fantastic little process, took me a few months to work out the kinks, though,” Tim said happily.

  “Was not funny,” Geeku said emphatically. “Kinks ‘e says. Didn’t need to tell da docs about me member-warts. Or da fact me mam used to dress me like a girl!” He clamped his hands over his mouth and tried to rise, but after a moment he settled back and relaxed.

  “How much? I hate buying anything, but if you can make some barstools with this power, I’ll try and scam you on the costs.” Dammit.

  It was Wrath that finally allowed me to rise. That fiery red incarnation of draconic fury got steadily more and more angry as I tried and I failed to get out of the chair. I staggered to my feet with blood in my eye and looked for something to kill.

  I punched Geeku in the chest, knocking his chair over and spilling him out onto the ground behind it. He coughed and spluttered as he rose to his feet, glaring at me. His shoulders started to swell, and green hair spread across his body as he let a howl.

  “Still need to work out a few more kinks. It’s always like this. Just a moment!” Tim tapped at something on his wrist as Geeku and I slammed into each other, arms locking on each other's shoulders. I bent my neck at an impossible angle and sank suddenly sharp fangs into the side of his head.

  He screamed and punched at me with ape-like strength, knocking me back as I spat out his severed ear. Tim finished whatever he was doing, and a sudden calm spread through me. I looked down at the severed ear, then back up at a deflating super-cyan.

  “Can we get that on ice? I’m sure it can get reattached,” I mumbled, the rich taste of blood on my tongue. I swallowed convulsively.

  “Oh, don’t fret about that. I’ll patch up Geeku later. It’s not the first time he’s lost a body part. At least this one was above the waist, and it wasn’t self-inflicted,” Tim said as he picked up the ear.

  The severed body part disappeared into a pocket on the lab coat.

  “If you want to do black modgick, I’ll put you up,” I ground out. “Simeon can get you up to speed on the cyborging, and assuming you can boost production, you’d be free to fuck with space-time in your free time.”

  “Sounds good, Bob. I really do need to fix the dismount issues. If someone breaks free, it always causes a mess.” He nodded to the splat of orlic blood on the carpet as a tiny disc-like robot emerged from a corner behind him and moved to clean it up.

  “What’s in that one? A dirt demon bondaged to a hoover bag?” I asked.

  “Of course not. I just made a robot hoover. It is powered by a tiny mana crystal instead of a battery, but it’s entirely mundane otherwise.”

  “How long do you need to get your shit stowed away? I’ve got a contract with the dwarves that’s due in a fortnight,” I said, rubbing the back of my head with one hand. I’d been about to eat Geeku. I felt a bit bad about it, but not as bad as I ought to.

  “If you’ll step outside for a moment, we can leave immediately,” Tim said as he pressed at what looked like a wrist-computer.

  As soon as we were outside, the tent collapsed into itself, making me jump back in shock. When it was the size of a pea, Tim picked it up and dropped it into the same pocket as the ear.

  “Good to go, old chap. I’m afraid I’m averse to flying, so it might be a long walk.”

  “You want to rip open a hole to another universe, but won’t ride a dragon?”

  “I understand ripping holes into other universes. I don’t understand dragons,” he replied with a shrug. “I’m interested to meet this Simeon character. Most mod docs are rather traditional. One who’s willing to go outside the constraints of the lime-beards is a rare find.”

  I opened a portal and gestured for him to step through, but he paused. One hand rooted around in his lab coat pocket, then emerged with a scrap of green flesh that he tossed to Geeku.

  “Tell Ratnip it’s a standard reattachment. No changes! You know what happened last time. Kilgrot was walking in circles for a week,” Tim said firmly. He looked back at me and gestured for me to go first.

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  “You were longer than I expected. Hit a snag?” Kat asked without looking up from her desk.

  “Kat, this is Tim.” He coughed politely as she looked up. “Sorry, Transcendental Timothy. He’s Geeku’s top mod doc, and he’s from Earth. Can you set him up some digs? How are the dwarves doing?”

  “I can see down your top, young lady,” said Tim uncomfortably. Kat rose and cracked her knuckles, but I held up a hand to forestall the inevitable.

  “No ball breaking! Tim is a guest,” I said quickly.

  “Why are you dressed like a stripper?” the orlic asked.

  “Ask Bob.” That made it sound a lot worse than it was. It was only partially my fault. I opened my mouth to explain, but he waved me off.

  “Unto each their own, dear fellow. I’m eager to see the facilities. Oh, mana crystals, Newton’s knackers! You didn’t mention you had a dungeon, Bob.”

  “You didn’t ask. You were more interested in my dad than my current living arrangements when you had me in the truth-chair.”

  Kat looked up and squinted at me. “You had to tell the truth? Did you get to the bit where your dad paid for your babysitter to take her boyfriend to Paris because he knew you had the hots for her?” she asked maliciously.

  “I am going to find that file they gave you and burn it,” I grouched. “No. We didn’t.”

  “So you are an emissary of the WOO? Delighted to meet you, my dear lady! Tell me, the nucleation of the phosonic flux on the transdimensional membrane, is it bubbly on purpose? Or is that yet another glitch I’ve found that can be exploited?” Tim asked excitedly.

  “The bubbly what? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I’m here to try and guide Bob through not fucking up this life like he did the last one,” she said with a shrug.

  “Ah. Tough. And human resources? My sympathies,” Tim said sincerely. He bowed his head and clasped his hands in front of his chest.

  “The hell you mean, sympathies? I’ve got a couple of thousand years of this shit, maybe less if Bob doesn’t stop fucking up, and then I get to resubmit my application.”

  “It all sounds very Karen-esque,” I muttered, earning a glare from both of them.

  “May she be blessed in triplicate!” They both intoned.

  “What the fuck was that? Kat, when did you become an adherent of she of the mighty stacks of paperwork?”

  “When you dumped all of the administration of your dungeon on me, which was fine, that was part of the job, and a modest town that is rapidly expanding. Do you know how much stuff I have to deal with for the Mill? Council meeting notes, building permits, wage slips, street sweepers, harvest reports. I have to confirm whenever they need to move the place that the nightsoil people dump the shit. The literal shit, Bob!”

  I had stepped back during her diatribe and subtly positioned Tim between me and the ranting pixie.

  “Dearest lady, have you considered automation? So much of the humdrum and the ordinary can be done away with via a fairly simple machine. I can set up a device to filter out the day-to-day things and process them for you, leaving you available to focus on what’s important,” Tim offered.

  “Really? she asked, looking up at him through her eyelashes. “You’d do all that for little old me?” I backed away another step. I knew that fake tone of voice only too well.

  “Kat! Don’t! He isn’t under contract yet!” I burbled, but it was too late. The pixie blurred forward, one fist cocked for a classic shoryuken to the nethers, but as she rose upwards like an angry, reverse comet with little butterfly wings, a purple forcefield sprang into being, taking the force of the blow in place of Tim’s delicate parts.

  She fell back to the ground, hissing in pain as she shook her fist.

  “Does that field cover your entire body?” she snarled.

  “More importantly, can it be built into the bloody cyber-bunnies? That is the kind of tech we need! Kat, I’m sure he didn’t mean he wanted to automate you out of a job.” She scowled at Tim, who stepped back behind me. “But if he’s got something that can help, why not take advantage of it?”

  “What would help, Bob, was if you spent less time drinking, shagging big-tits Mcbarmaid, and swanning off to get into trouble in Ankmapak, and then more time doing what you’re supposed to be doing, IE, being a Tribulation accursed dungeon lord. That way, we could all get along a lot better. Captain Dick-guard, I’ll show you to your room and then take you to meet Simeon. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled. Bob.” She finished coldly, sniffing in my direction as she stalked ahead of the now nervous mod doc.

  I headed upstairs, going from one iron staircase to the next, keeping my eyes defocused ahead of me, ignoring anything that might distract me from my purpose. That most sacred of moments was calling to me.

  I arrived in my lair and admired my mountain of gold. It was a decent-sized pile, starting to spill out into the corridors that led through the mountain to the north side. But it could still be larger. Greed-goblin started dancing slowly in my brain. A sinuous, sensual dance that was frankly too disgusting to dwell on. I upended the sack of gold from the dwarves and sighed as the coins spilt out.

  Dungeon Status:

  Unnamed Dungeon.

  Level: 10

  Floors: 19 (Residential) (Industrial x2) (Agricultural) (Mana Crystal Farm) (Alchemy lab) (Combat x7) (TBC x6)

  Rooms: 32

  Sprite level: 23

  Minions: 62/70

  Hoard: 2,372,247 gold

  I opened a jar of gherkins and chomped on one thoughtfully as I settled on the cold stone to admire my hoard. Kat had added another combat floor, and I figured a new accommodation level would have to be bought soon. I winced slightly at the thought, but it was for the best. Fifty dwarves rooting around in the guts of the mountain like a dose of dysentery for stone, Tim and whatever insane bullshit he was going to come up with in his free time…

  Things were getting too much. I had a war coming, a trade deal with the Dwarves, an appearance in the bloody arena, a mandate to kill the vamps under the city, a wall to build and territory to hold against all comers. And I was pregnant. I took out another gherkin and nibbled at it idly.

  But screw all of that. I was going to expand my nascent business empire first.