I had an unconscious Quaestor that I’d just bludgeoned for slagging off my girlfriend at my feet. Said girlfriend had just slapped the scales off my face, and now every asshole in the bar was staring at me, a bunch of them smirking to themselves. There was also a stunningly beautiful woman who was now making her way through the crowd towards me.

  Her dress was a pale yellow, cut low at the top and featuring a long slash up the left thigh that exposed flashes of slender flesh as she swayed in my direction. She stopped in front of me and offered her hand, palm down.

  “And you are?” I asked, grasping one finger and giving it a delicate shake. She pursed her lips, which were bright red and full.

  “I am Joanna Von Kolben. Your betrothed. I don’t mind dalliances, Uncle Karl taught me that much. Among other things.” She pressed herself against me seductively, and I heard a crack from the bar. The handle of a wooden tankard had somehow broken in Esme’s grip. She rubbed her fingers together as sawdust fell to the bar and glared at me.

  “I didn’t agree to bloody marry you!” I declared loudly, hopefully loud enough to carry across the hastily resumed conversations of the patrons. “Hang on, your uncle taught you what?” I suddenly felt the need to shower. I pushed her away firmly.

  She pouted and clasped her hands in front of herself, forcing her cleavage to even further prominence, entirely coincidentally, of course.

  “But my love! I’m gifted in all the subtle arts of pleasing a man! I’ll be a good and dutiful wife, and an alliance between our houses would be–”

  “I’m not your love. And I didn’t agree to any fucking alliance, let alone a wedding! I do not care what your uncle told you, but I’m not interested.” I spoke loud enough that once again every head in the bar turned toward me, and I caught a smile on Esme’s face out of the corner of my eye. Phew. “I’m sorry you’ve wasted your time. You’re welcome to see the sights, spend some coin, but I am spoken for!”

  “We shall see, my love,” she purred, moving to push up close again. I backed away and stumbled over Light Invincible’s body. She raised a delicate foot clad in a white slipper and slammed her toes into the Quaestor's groin. He moaned faintly as I winced. “I will expect my baggage to be moved to your dungeon on the morrow. I’m currently staying with Mrs. Hatrik. Send a man to carry my belongings.”

  She swept past me in a flurry of sunshine-coloured dress and a lingering citrus scent. I closed my mouth. Who the hell did that woman think she was? Von Kolben was a minor noble at best, not as minor as I was, granted, but he was hardly in the league of Pratnip, Hateskale, and Gigglesworth. Next time I was in the city, I’d be having words.

  I made my way hesitantly towards the bar. Esme beamed at me, but I was worldly-wise enough not to take that at face value. The Lust-Monkey in my mind was forcibly restrained by Regret and Wrath.

  “Can I get a couple of glasses and a bottle of Golden Jack, please, Esme?” I asked tentatively. She crossed her arms for a moment and mock-glared at me, before leaning over to peck me on the cheek and giving me a sneak preview of the delights that hopefully still awaited me later on.

  “He really sent some girl off on a fake engagement?” she asked as she stooped to fetch a pair of glasses and the bottle.

  “Seems so. He was a weird dude. Permanently naked. Well, under the illusion he had weird leather shorts on,” I grumbled as I poured out two measures. I offered her one, and she took a sip.

  “How do you know what his underwear looked like?” She raised one eyebrow at me.

  “He wasn’t exactly shy. The whole lot of them were perverts, far as I could tell,” I said. “Look, I really had no idea about that woman. I got kidnapped by pixies, had a chat with some dwarves, it’s been a weird week, love. I did remember to get–”

  “Pixies? Did Kat get you free?” she gasped.

  “No?” I squinted at her. “Kat was running the dungeon and the town. These were slavers.”

  “How did they catch, you know, you?” she asked, waving a hand up and down to imply the whole dragon thing.

  “It was an epic battle. I fought hard, but one of them managed to get in close and slip some kind of magic chain around my neck.”

  “You mean they tricked you and you walked into it?” she chuckled. I nodded ruefully.

  “Pretty much. Sneaky little shits. I got one of them, and I know where to find some more. They're very much on the menu, at the moment. We’ve got other shit to worry about, though. How many carpenters have we got? And stonemasons?”

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  “I serve drinks, Bob. You could ask Mrs Hatrik, or Kat probably knows. Why do you ask?” she said, polishing a glass in what I assumed was some kind of universal barkeeper sign. Neville and Beville had both done it incessantly.

  “We need to fortify the town, I think.”

  She looked up and laid the glass down slowly. As it clinked onto the wood, she met my eyes; her own shone with fear. “War?” she whispered, glancing around to make sure she couldn’t be overheard.

  I took a long sip of the amber liquid and sighed. “Probably. It might be why the bimbo in yellow was here waiting for me. I hadn’t planned on taking so long to get home. I had good reason to hurry back: while I was in the city, I got the–”

  “Tex didn’t mention anything about it. He said everything was fine.”

  “He’s a peddler. What would he know–” being interrupted so often was starting to wear thin, especially as I wasn’t getting to mention the very fine set of lingerie I had sat in my belly pouch. Lust-Monkey was pulling its hair out in my mind.

  “Travelling merchants are the best sources of news! Now Jenny has an orb, she gets some information from her dad, but that’s mostly related to his bowel movements and bread recipes.”

  “How’s the old man doing?”

  “He’s regular and firm, apparently,” she said with a moue of distaste. “He wants to come visit.”

  “We can sort out a portal so he can have a holiday. Good PR for the Mill,” I said thoughtfully. Greed-Goblin was banging at my mind as well now. The little shit had had an idea.

  “I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.” She drained her glass. “Now, I seem to recall asking for a very particular item, or set of them, from the city?” She arched a perfect eyebrow and winked at me. Now it was ok to talk about that?

  “Uh, yeah. I got it. Them.” Suaveness chose to desert me. “Are you sure? Some of the straps look like they’ll be really tight.”

  “Oh, I’m sure. How about–” The crowd stirred. If they thought I was willing to share this particular sight with them, they were sorely mistaken. I glared around, but none of the attention was on me, thankfully. I adjusted my trousers carefully.

  The God of Music had appeared from the portal, and he moonwalked to the stage. A backflip landed him in the centre of the raised platform, and he struck a pose, one leg cocked, one hand shoving his hat forward. His bunny ears poked out to the sides.

  He started the set with a low love song, shooting me a finger gun as he glided back and forth above the crowd. There weren’t any hoots or cheers; the mob was entranced as his high voice rose and fell. A song of longing and loss rolled out, and when he finished, he was balanced on his toes like a ballet dancer, and a quiet sigh rang out from everyone present.

  The next number was more upbeat, and I recognised it immediately.

  “–not my lover, she’s just a girl, who thinks that I am–” I sang along with everyone else in the room. They might not be from Earth, but clearly they’d heard the song enough to memorise the lyrics.

  I drank a few more glasses, nodding along to the music.

  “Thank you so much. You’re all such wonderful people, I’ll see you again tomorrow!” The possessed cyberbunny leapt down and undulated through the crowd, shaking hands and patting babies on the cheek. Seeing as we were on the ground floor and the windows wouldn’t accommodate a baby, I felt we were probably safe in that regard.

  “Bob. I’m glad you escaped your brief captivity. It’s nice to see young love blooming in this world, hee hee!” the avatar said as it moonwalked over to the bar.

  “Nice set. I didn’t know you could do other bands’ stuff.” Don’t Fear The Reaper, as performed by MJ reincarnated as a god, had been a powerful tune.

  “I’m a god here, shamone. I can do what I like. I’m feeling the love in the air around here,” he said.

  “Drink?” I waved the half-empty bottle at him.

  “No point, sweet Bob. This body doesn’t get any joy from Jesus juice.”

  “You can’t drink? What do you eat?” asked Esme. That glass was once more being polished. Did it mean she was bored?

  “I’m powered by the Great Song. It’s the core of everything. It’s why we should all love each other. Hee hee!”

  “Seems like most of the empire is deaf. Same with the Unterwelt,” I grumbled.

  “Oh no. They hear it too! They just sing in a different key, is all. Shamone! I’ll leave you two love birds to your afternoon delights!” The stitched-together bunny face had healed well, and most of the staples had been removed. There was still something slightly malevolent about the uni-bunny face, with glowing red eyes, suggesting I go bang my girlfriend.

  The god danced back to the portal and disappeared into the dungeon. A faint “Shamone” echoed back through the blue light.

  “Well, I think we both know what he was talking about,” Esme said huskily. “How about I go get changed into something less comfortable?”

  I nodded dumbly. Lust-Monkey was now being pinned down by every other aspect of my psyche, but seemed to be winning despite their efforts. Regret went tumbling away, and the monkey got one leg free.

  “Jenny, can you watch the bar for–” Esme looked me up and down, “–about three hours?” she called back through to the kitchen. There was a brief clatter as something metal was dropped, and then Jenny stomped through the bead curtain.

  “Oh, hi Bob. Thanks for the orb– bye Bob.”

  I was already past Jenny, and Esme was wrapped around me like a limpet as I hurried across the kitchen for the stairs that led up to sweet, sweet nookie.

  “Bob, what do you want me to do with the dead Quaestor? Everyone is pretending to ignore it, but they’ll start talking soon.”

  My foot had just reached the first step. Upward lay bliss and release, behind me lay responsibility and a guy with a hard-on for burning people alive.

  “Goddammit,” I groused as I turned and headed back for the bar.

  “He can wait, but I can’t,” Esme breathed into my neck. She squirmed against me, every part of her seeming to find some nerve that sent my imagination into fits of pornographic delight.

  “I’m sorry,” I ground out. Wrath sat on the Lust-Monkey and did his best. Regret had recovered from the earlier tumble but was sitting in a corner of my mind, crying rather than trying to help.

  “Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?” I bellowed as I passed back into the bar. Dozens of eyes looked up at me as Esme dropped back to her feet and hurriedly adjusted her dress, which had ridden up more than a little at her hips.

  “You want us to kill the Quaestor?” asked a shocked voice.