“Seriously, what’s up with the sparkles?” Bargleblaster demanded as we flew north like a flock of geese. A flying V of dragons, the most terrifying monsters in the world, scourges of cities, devourers of virgins, a mighty force that would set my enemies to trembling.

  And they were basically a bunch of kids, except for Chi. She treated me like I was the child, and she was a world-weary and disapproving grandmother.

  “What’s up with your name? Jace was an alien, and he’s got a normal name.”

  “I prefer the term extraterrestrial,” Jace muttered from my left side.

  “It was my gamer tag,” the green dragon said defensively.

  “You chose that?”

  “You fucking sparkle!”

  “I got an item from the God of Light, and now I sparkle,” I grumbled. I really needed to get this fixed. I’d been avoiding Esme since it happened.

  “Did you offend the god or something? You should be more respectful to your elders!” Chi snapped from the third spot on my right.

  “How long have you been on Helstat, Mr Bob?” Lille asked, her quiet voice barely carrying over the noise of the wind.

  “I don’t know, six months or so, I reckon.”

  “You’re more of a baby than I thought! No wonder you make stupid choices like getting sparkles. If you were my grandchild, I’d have beaten some sense into you.”

  “You know less than us, but you’re the boss? Nah uh,” muttered Bargleblaster.

  “I’m now a baronet in the Empire, I’ve taken over two towns, I’ve got a thriving business empire of gastropubs and a beautiful partner. I’m a master of Dragon-fu, the champion of the God of Light, and the God of Music performs regular sets at one of my bars. You guys have… had some snowball fights in the mountains?”

  “Have you been in any battles?” Jace asked.

  “A couple. They’re a great way to get rich, and stock up on some primo protein.”

  “What’s a baronet? Some kind of musical instrument?” asked Lille. I was getting the feeling she was one of the ones who had died young back on Earth.

  “It’s a noble rank. It was kind of a coup, figuratively and literally. Shapeshifting monsters don’t really have an easy life in the Empire. It’s kind of a don’t ask, don’t tell, if we find out you’re dead sort of situation. I’m breaking glass ceilings.”

  “I’ll show you glass ceilings when I smack your arrogant behind with them, young man. How far is it to one of your towns?” Chi snapped.

  “Oh, only another six hours of hell. How about we play the quiet game for the rest of the trip?”

  “What’s the weather like? I’m sick of the snow.”

  “Chi, it’s coming into winter, and we’re heading north.”

  “You shut up!”

  “I will if the rest of you do?”

  We flew south, and they didn’t play the quiet game. I answered questions as monosyllabically as I could, and came to understand why Houndslong had retreated into insanity. The mountains gave way to forested hills, and then sporadic farmland as we headed home.

  I was going to have to let Esme see me sparkle. My gut told me that she would just take the piss and it wouldn’t be a big deal… but I was scared. It could be like showing up at your girlfriend's house with a surprise facial tattoo. You never knew which way it would break until it broke, and Esme was special to me.

  After answering a seemingly endless stream of “so what’s that then” questions, I was mentally adrift. The Shadow Flight would need putting down, or at least driving off, and I had myself, the resources of my towns and dungeon, plus a gaggle of juvenile dragons. This trip had been a wash, and now I was little more than a scaly babysitter.

  These guys would all have their own draconic impulses. Greed, territoriality, vanity, and I had invited them to come and live at the Mill for a while. What the hell had I been thinking? I’d need some kind of net on the aerial entrance to my lair. It would be Pete who would be the thief. It was always the quiet kids.

  “Oh, look! Soldiers,” Bargleblaster called out happily as he started to lose height to get a closer look.

  I snapped out of my reverie as we reached the site where I had interrupted the battle on my way to find the TOTS. Ha. They were bloody tots. I had attacked the army that had taken potshots at me, assuming they were the baddies, and assumed that would be that. They’d have had to run away after I thinned their numbers.

  Turns out, I was very much mistaken. It seemed they’d taken a breather and waited for more troops to join the party. Where before there had been two modest camps arrayed on opposite ridges, either side of a valley, now there were two vast encampments, with tens of thousands of soldiers on either side.

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  The tents covered the ground like turnips in a turnip farm, or like… I don’t know. There was a shitload of them, the tents formed two mini canvas cities. A pavilion with a white roof was set up in the very middle of the valley between them, and groups of riders from both sides were moving slowly towards it, armour gleaming in the sun.

  “Baglebumper! Get your ass back up there!” I roared, stooping to put myself between the green dragon and the ground. “You’re not actually fucking geese! Get back to altitude,” I ordered the others who had followed me down.

  Bargleblaster wasn’t to be denied. He circled lower, forcing me to let him pass or risk a midair collision. He came to a stop fifty metres from the pavilion, where a group of people in very fancy armour were drinking glasses of dark red wine with their helmet visors swept back.

  I landed between him and the tent. “That was fucking stupid, Banglebonker.”

  “Bargleblaster!”

  “I think he’s getting it wrong deliberately,” Jace added helpfully as he crashed into the ground and skidded to a stop. The silvery dragon stood up shakily and shook himself out as the others plopped down around us.

  “It’s a battle, Bob! I’m a bloody dragon now, and all I’ve done is study history and languages and evolution guides for years. I need to burn some stuff!”

  “Keep your voice down,” I hissed. “Look, just stay here, the lot of you. I’ll go find out which side is which, and then I’ll make a decision as to whether you lot get to have some fun.”

  “I’m scared, Mr Bob,” Lille said quietly. Pink spines rose and fell, quivering along her back, all the way down to her tail, which fluffed out at the end into a ball of the things.

  “It’s fine, Lille. Unless there are a bunch of powerhouses in the mix, we’ll be ok, and we can fly away.” I gave her a thumbs up, glared at Bargleblaster, who was swishing his tail back and forth like a pissed off tomcat, and turned to waddle towards the meeting. I really hoped my nethers would stop hurting soon. I wasn’t exactly the embodiment of reptilian terror that I should be when I had to walk very carefully to keep my ass as still as possible.

  I stuck my head in the side of the tent and smiled. That was still scary as hell, it seemed. “So… who’s on what sides?”

  “Name thyself!” commanded a rotund man with an impressive, albeit ginger, beard.

  “Baronet Bob, lord of Fidler’s Mill and Longbottom, proprietor of The Swinging Cod restaurant chain. Erm, Champion of Bulb. Commander of a squadron of Titans Of The Skies. And you are?” I wasn’t going to refer to the TOTS by the abbreviation, however accurate it might be, with this prick.

  “I am Count Gigglesworth of High Smoke. You were not invited to this battle, sir.”

  A chorus of “hear, hears” and “absolutely old chaps” echoed from the men and women arrayed behind him. I paused for a moment.

  “I thought House Gigglesworth was ruled by a lady?”

  “My wife, you buffoon. Now, if you would be so kind as to take your pet lizards and depart so we can finally get this battle started, that would be appreciated.”

  “Woof!”

  I turned my head slowly and found Colonel-the-Lady Heartflash tipping her glass in my direction.

  “Gingy, Bob is here at my invitation. The more the merrier you said,” Heartflash declared with a giggle and a pelvic wiggle.

  “Don’t call me that, Heartflash. You can’t invite the dragons, we said this was a human-only event. He’s already taken a potshot at Barney’s forces the other day.”

  “Indeed, most unsporting,” a tall, thin man, whom I presumed must be the aforementioned Barney, chimed in.

  If Heartflash, who would be considered a powerhouse by anyone's standards, were present, then the other side must have people equally as strong. This might not be such a great training exercise for the TOTS.

  “So we aren’t going to talk about the Dankest Dwarves currently tunnelling under the agreed battlefield? Sir Bob, Baron Flamingwhooper, a pleasure, may you sparkle evermore in the name of our lord. I am also willing to extend an invite to yourself and your, ah, colleagues.” Young, handsome, his fluted armour was burnished to a bright gleam, and his long white cloak was chased with red thread in the shape of a rising flame.

  “Come on now, Whoopsy! You’re spoiling it for everyone!” Gigglesworth objected.

  “You bastards can’t just try and cheat and then cry foul when providence provides us with a counter,” an older man said. His armour was the only set other than Heartflash’s that looked normal. No knotwork or engravings, just functional and plain plate armour.

  “Armand, I thought you would at least respect the– Providence! Aha! You didn’t invite the beasts!” Gigglesworth argued.

  I blinked slowly. I was being discussed as though I weren’t the heavily armoured fire-breathing elephant in the room. I cleared my throat, and they all turned to look at me. “Heartflash, which bunch of assholes needs to go on the menu?” She pointed off to my right, and I pulled my head back to look.

  Black and grey pennants floated from the tops of the largest tents. In the other direction, they were yellow and white. That checked out, and it’s kind of obvious now that I think about it. I poked my snout back into the pavilion, causing a noble to stumble backwards as my nose caught his elbow.

  “So when do we start?” I gave Gigglesworth a level three grin and had the satisfaction of hearing him gulp. What was the thing they used to say in movies? “I’ll look for you on the field.”

  “Blessed shadows, did you hear that? The beast challenged me!”

  “So fight him, Gingy. Meow,” Heartflash replied.

  “I’ll find him in the battle,” Gigglesworth muttered. “I think this meeting is adjourned. The battle of Shady Crevice will begin in half an hour!”

  The nobles all clinked glasses with each other and quaffed their wine before heading to their waiting horses and bodyguards. Heartflash winked at me as she turned to leave. I headed back to the kids… the younger… the other dragons and shared the news.

  “Hell yeah!” Bargleblaster bellowed, sending a stream of brown fire into the sky.

  “Your fire is brown?”

  “Punji-stick Nostrils was my breath attack.”

  “Little sticks in holes to hurt people's feet?” I asked, blinking in confusion.

  “Yeah. They used to rub them in shit, so anyone who stepped on them got an infection. So my burns tend to fester. Pretty cool, right?”

  “No. No, it isn’t. I want you all to stay airborne, just use breath attacks and any magic if you’ve got it. There’s at least one woman on our side who would be a tough fight for me, so you guys steer clear of anyone who looks tough among the Umbrati.”

  “Bob, please, can I sit this one out? I can fly and just keep an eye on things?” Lille said softly, giving me puppy dog eyes.

  “Erm, yes. Me too. I’m– I don’t want to die again. I’ll get punished worse next time,” Pete said softly.

  “Is that what it is? Look, those guys–” I waved a pair of tails towards the baddies, “are dicks. They worship dark and evil gods, and killing them is actually good for your karma. The God of Light told me that himself.” Lille and Pete both looked over at the soldiers I’d pointed to, their lips curling back to show their fangs.

  I got the feeling that I had just made a terrible mistake.