Civilised lands had fallen behind me hours ago as my wings beat tirelessly. Farms had given way to scrublands and forests. Ancient woodlands with towering trees that must be thousands of years old. Then the wooden fingers began reaching higher into the sky, the ground rolled into hills, and finally stony digits replaced the wooden ones.

  There are many things that can make a dragon feel insecure. We are surprisingly fragile beasts in some ways. Hoard size mattered, and anyone who said differently was lying. Admittedly, with my tax income, the ability to spawn money by killing things, and once I made the arrangements, an auction to offload all the laser-based crap I’d acquired from Bulb, plus the potions Cyrus was working on… I was being silly. My hoard was the best. But these mountains made Mount Bob look like a pimple on the face of the planet in comparison, and on some level, I didn’t like that my home wasn’t the preeminent example of its kind.

  They stretched on and on, snowcapped peaks acting as banners for the cottony flags of the clouds. I checked the token and steered a little more towards the south. I didn’t know how far away this place was, where the TOTS had made their home, and I hoped that the mountain range suggested I was close. If it were on an entirely different continent, I’d have to land and portal home. I couldn’t afford to be away from the war for too long. I glanced at the status updates I’d received while I was flying and curled my lip in frustration.

  Claim staked.

  The town of Hollybrook is contested. Two factions vie for control of this modest town-ette, and the farmland has good potential. It is conveniently located next to the main thoroughfare to Bangle City for easy access to first-class amenities. Needs some work to bring out the town's full potential.

  Lady Gigglesworth has sent her Fourth Raiders, the Pebbledashers, to besiege the town.

  Lord Bildabear is marching to relieve the town's defenders with his first division and is supported by Team Inappropriate Question from the Adventurers Guild.

  Claim staked.

  The town of…

  Claim staked.

  The town of…

  On and on it went. The war had gained momentum. A dozen towns and villages were being contested, and I had no idea which side most of the lords and ladies were on. For now, I would focus on finding the dragons and getting some information about my “condition”.

  In the distance, birds circled around the top of a very high peak, the tallest I’d seen thus far. I checked the token and headed in that direction. The mountain dwarfed all those around it, and its upper reaches were covered in dark splotches that resolved into cave mouths as they drew closer.

  They weren’t birds. Half a dozen dragons swirled through the air, hiding in clouds and bursting out to dive on their comrades in a complex aerial dance. A large golden dragon slipped out of a cave mouth and headed in my direction.

  I slowed down as we closed on each other and put on my best I’m-not-a-threat smile. It had three tails that ended in spheres of orange crystal, and long moustaches streamed back in the wind from its snout. The dragon manoeuvred into position, flying about six feet off my left wing and turned its head towards me.

  “Please pull over on the top of that mountain, sir,” he called out in a rumbling voice.

  “You’re very shiny.” Not the strongest introductory line, but his golden scales flashed in the sun.

  “I’m aware of that, sir. Please land on the indicated mountaintop and fold your wings.”

  I shrugged, stuttered in mid-air as it disrupted my wingbeats, then circled down as requested. I came to a graceful stop in the snow and tucked my wings against my armoured sides.

  The golden dragon settled next to me and walked around me slowly, clicking and tutting under his breath as he went. “Have you been drinking, sir?”

  “What? Not since this morning. That sounds worse than it is. Look, I’m perfectly capable of– is there some kind of limit for flying?”

  “Flying while under the influence is a serious offence, sir. Touch your nose with both foreclaws, if you please?”

  I did so, going cross-eyed for a moment in the process.

  “Hmm. Name and registration, please.”

  “I’m Bob, and I don’t have a bloody licence for being a dragon. I got this coin-thing from a mysterious being who invaded my pub briefly a long time ago.” One of my tails swept out and revealed the token. The cop-dragon scowled at it briefly, then produced a notebook and started scribbling in it.

  “Were you aware of the speed you were doing?"

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  "No, officer. What the fuck is happening?"

  "These sparkles, sir. It looks a little like you might have a glareberry problem to me.”

  “Never heard of them. I got a bracelet from Bulb that did this to me. If you’ve got any ideas on how to get rid of the damn things, I’m all ears.”

  “So an aural evolution as well? I can see some bird, some octopus. Any other dodgy evolution choices I should be aware of before this goes any further, sir? Lying to an officer of the law is a criminal offence after a traffic stop is in progress around here.”

  “I don't have an oral evolution, you weirdo. Those are angel wings, dude. And it was a Kraken tail evolution. I’ve also got god-forged scales. Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but could I talk to someone who isn’t crazy, please?”

  The pen flickered furiously on the pad. “Disrespecting an officer in the pursuit of his duties… chimaeric evolution pathway… Magic?” he cocked a golden eyebrow at me and passed the pad and pen to his prehensile moustaches as he sat back on his haunches and crossed his arms.

  “I know my rights. I demand to speak to your supervisor.” I racked my memory. “I’m a free citizen under charter of being a corporation, I’m subject to Admiralty law, and I was travelling in my dragon-bod, not flying, so I don’t need a licence.” Thank you, crazy people on the internet.

  “Think you’re clever, do you, sir?”

  “What’s your name, officer?”

  “Deputy Sheriff Houndslong, sir.” He resumed scribbling on his pad but kept his foreclaws crossed in front of him.

  “I think I need to speak to your supervisor. I’ve got a couple of problems I’m hoping the TOTS can help me with.”

  “And what would those be?” He arched an eyebrow at me. The pad and pen in his moustache rose on that side of his face in response.

  “The Shadow Flight is meddling in the Empire’s Civil War, and I’m just one dragon; I can’t take them on alone, so I need the help of the TOTS. Also, look, the other thing is a bit personal, it’s hmmph hurumph.” The final part of my sentence turned into an indistinct mumble.

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. It's probably the booze, but can you speak clearly, please?”

  “I’m pregnant,” I snarled. “I’ve got a bun in the oven, a literal egg in the whatever my body thinks is a womb.”

  “You really shouldn’t be drinking in your condition, ma’am.”

  “It’s sir. I’m still a bloke, apparently.”

  “As you say, ma’am.” He produced a communication orb and stared into it for a second. “Officer Houndslong, ma’am. Got a male black dragon that sparkles and claims to be pregnant… She’s got one of your tickets… Yes, ma’am.” He looked up at me and nodded. “You can take your claws off your nose now. The Captain will see you. Do you see that cave entrance, third down from the top? I’ll escort you there, and you’ll be met by the Captain. If you’d like to follow me.”

  Mighty golden wings cracked downwards as he leapt into the air and circled above me. I followed, keeping out of the slipstream of his passage as we spiralled up.

  The other dragons came down to meet me. Blue, green and red, there was a pale white one with pink eyes as well. They were all smaller than I was, but without my ring of virility, I’d probably be smaller than them.

  “The doggy caught one! Don’t worry, mate, the cells are pretty decent!”

  “Lemme guess: flying while larping as a lame vampire?”

  “Will you two shut up! He’s big and that’s a lot of tails. Hey, handsome, how you doin’?”

  A chorus of banalities flew back and forth among the young dragons. I was more than a little disappointed at what I’d found. I’d expected a secretive group of dragons called the Titans Of The Skies to have a bit more gravitas. Instead, I’d found a half-mad reincarnated police officer and a bunch of kids. Where was the wise council of ancient leviathans sagely plotting to secure the future of their species? This seemed more like a lizard day-care facility.

  I landed gently just inside the Captain’s lair and glanced around. The walls were lined with claw marks and stained with sooty marks where someone had unleashed a breath weapon.

  “Wipe your feet and come in, Bob. I’ve been waiting for you.” This was more like it, I hoped. The voice was warm and feminine, and it at least sounded like its owner was sane. Finding no mat, I just shuffled my feet back and forth a little and then slithered deeper into the tunnel.

  It twisted back and forth a little, then opened out onto a glittering pile. My neck was very flexible, but I had to strain to look up at the top of the hoard. That was a lot of gold. And gems and bars of shiny metals I couldn’t identify. I mentally grabbed the greed-goblin by the throat and wrestled him to the ground. Yes, this dragon had more gold than I did, but no, I wouldn’t steal from them. Shut up, goblin!

  “You’ve brought my token back to me, little one. Don’t worry about Houndslong, some of us never seem to give up what we were, alas.” The piles of coins shifted slightly, and an eye the size of my head blinked open. A golden, vertical pupil in a pink sclera focused on me.

  “Sure. I didn’t realise it was a loan.” I tossed the coin towards the best damn mattress in the world and made sure none of my tails happened to sneak out to swipe a few coins.

  The pile shifted again, and from behind the eye a long, plaited eyebrow shot out to snatch the coin. I guessed lady dragons got prehensile eyebrows rather than moustaches. Would the same apply to Jenny? Can a human ever turn into a dragon?

  “You’ve been causing trouble, Bob.” Her head reared up, coins and treasure tumbling away at the movement. Now this is what I’d been hoping for from the TOTS. Her head and snout alone were five metres long; she must be massive, curled up under her shinies. I started running some numbers in my head, and I felt a lot better about myself. If you subtracted the volume of a giant dragon’s body from this hoard, it wasn’t so much more impressive than my own. “You’ve come to me for help?”

  “Yeah. The Shadow flight are… flying. They’re going to interfere in the human war, and I need a hand with that.”

  “Why should we clear up your own mess?”

  “Come again?”

  “You’re intrusion into human affairs was the pretext they needed to justify intervening in mortal affairs.”

  “I didn’t bloody know that!”

  “Of course not. Do you know who your sire was?”

  “My dad? Yeah, I knew him, only too bloody well.”

  “Not on Earth. On Helstat. Your parent was Barrelax the Belligerent. He is… no longer welcome among the TOTS. Barrelax did something similar to what you’ve done among the humans with the Dryadems, far to the south. It didn’t work out so well.”

  “He got killed?”

  “Nope. He had you.”

  “Speaking of… look, I’ve got an egg cooking, and honestly, I’m really looking forward to getting it out of my body, but I don’t have the first clue about raising a baby dragon.”

  She shapeshifted, her hoard collapsing down to a far less envy-inducing size. Tall, hooded and cloaked, pale skin and flashing pink eyes. Her clothes materialised around her as she shifted. “I’m Dagrun. Now, where are you in your anti-natal exercises? It’s so exciting to think of another little dragon running around!”

  “You need to teach me how to shapeshift with my clothes,” I muttered as I followed her deeper into the mountain and she babbled at me about baby showers.