The bunnyborgs went first through the portal. Two hundred of them spilt out onto the street outside Jenny’s dad’s house and fanned out as their controllers stepped through after them.

  The Fighting Dolphins and the Bonkers stepped across time and space through the blue oval, control crystals in hand and began organising the squads of cyborgs more efficiently. Jenny and I followed. She was wearing a cooking pot on her head, wielding a rolling pin in her right hand and a skillet in her left.

  Baginton was quiet. My baker’s old home street had been recovering from the lingering taint of her father's bowel problems when I last visited, and while the homes were still occupied and maintained, the windows were boarded shut, and the doors all appeared to be locked.

  “Baginton. Of all the hives of scum and villainy in this world you could have brought me to, it had to be this one,” Lockso grumbled quietly.

  “It doesn’t look so bad?” Handock said, turning in a slow circle. “That smell, though… Where the hell is that coming from?”

  “My dad,” snapped Jenny as she hustled off towards her father's home and banged on the door with her skillet. “Old man! It’s me! I’ve some to get you out of here!” She waited a minute and tried again, this time with the rolling pin.

  “Doesn’t look like he’s there, Jen,” Salnia called as she watched the corners like tentacle-fiends might jump out at any moment. “Boss, I thought this was a siege?”

  “That’s what the notification said,” I muttered. “Hang on.” I shifted into my true form and stood on my hind legs, head snaking up a good five metres over the ground. I could see across the rooftops, but that wasn’t particularly helpful. “Keep this area secure. I’m going to get a dragon's eye view of the town.”

  I leapt high so the first downbeat of my wings didn’t knock tiles off the neat little houses, and circled upwards. Then I tucked my wings and dived as ballista bolts, fireballs, and shards of ice shot through the air where I’d been.

  Siege ongoing.

  The town of Baginton is contested. Three factions vie for control of this rich, well-situated locale, which sports an ensuite Temple of the God of Light, offers excellent views of the city and has three latrine pits.

  A dragon called Bob has deployed his irregulars and one, solitary dragon to assist in the defence.

  Time for some three-way action!

  “Yeah, that’s a siege, alright.” Before I returned to earth so abruptly, I’d seen the seried ranks of the Sausage Makers, Foreverknot’s elite division, arrayed around the main roads in and out of the town. Flimsy barricades had been thrown up across the roads that reminded me of the defences at the Mill when the same bastards had attacked my town.

  A halo of golden light shone down on the barricade and the handfuls of guards that manned them, a sign of some divine jiggerypokery from Bulb, I suspected. Just looking at the numbers, I didn’t see how the guards could hope to hold their positions without some serious backup from the gods.

  Mixed in among the Seventh Brigade were knots of other forces I’d not seen before. On the flanks were strangely armoured cavalry that rode some kind of scaly horse, the green and black scales matching the odd lacquered armour of the riders. And then there were the stone men. Some were nearly five metres tall, but most were shorter. It was as though a fungus had mutated and decided to produce massive stone statues instead of mushrooms.

  Next to the titans were complex siege engines, catapults, mangonels, ballistae, and trebuchets, all lined up in neat ranks. Clearly, Foreverknot wasn’t pissing about and had sent her best. But what the hell was it about Baginton that made it worth that kind of deployment?

  “Did you spot the people?” asked Jenny as she hurried back over to us.

  “They would have fled at the first sign of the enemy. Humans are so flighty,” Halefire added.

  I glowered at him, but it was Nimbra who spoke up first.

  “They’re at the temple of My Lord Of The Illuminated Lustre. Bulb says we should go and say hello, Bob.”

  “You lot go and reinforce the barricades with the bunnyborgs. Jenny, you’re with me.” I scooped up the short woman with a single tail and deposited her on my shoulders as I stepped carefully over my troops and headed towards the temple in the centre of the town. The spire, still glowing with artificial light even during the bright morning, loomed over the area, providing me with an easy landmark to track.

  Stolen novel; please report.

  A shadowy blob flew through the air and exploded against it, the light flaring as the projectile or spell was countered.

  “So they don’t like Bulb?” I muttered.

  “That’s his primary temple. The townsfolk will have gathered there for sure. Gee up, Bobby!” Jenny clapped her heels against my armoured scales, and I twisted my neck far enough to give her a glowing, purple-eyed glare.

  I stomped through the streets, careful to avoid damaging the lights and the fronts of houses. I was here as a hero after all, and nothing was more likely to break that illusion than my ignoring a shitload of insurance claims after the fact.

  My eyes lingered on the Broken Baguette as I arrived at the temple. I could really use a pint and a chat with Neville about now. Instead, I lifted Jenny off my shoulders, and she rushed inside as I transformed back into the human-suit. Fortunately, the road was empty, so nobody got a glimpse of my danglies as I hurriedly threw on a tunic and trousers.

  I’d never been inside the massive structure before. Naturally, it was impeccably lit, with long rows of columns down the central space, pews to either side of them. The light was constantly shifting, giving it the effect of looking up through water at a slowly spinning disco ball. Blues, greens and reds all moved in a slow, random rhythm as the worshippers prayed from the pews or on their knees.

  “Our lord will protect the worthy from the shadow! Lend him your strength, your will, your hearts! He will come among us and shelter us under his glowing hand! Lift up your voices in song!” called a man wearing what appeared to be a lightbulb costume from the front of the church.

  A metal wire, bent into a sinuous zigzag, rose from prongs on each of his shoulders and floated above his head. He wore a clear glass dome over the top, with a hole cut into it for his face. He looked like a bit of a wazzock in my opinion.

  “You’re not wrong, Bob. But I don’t get to set fashion trends among the clergy.” I turned and found the tall, smartly dressed man with the highly reflective spectacles I recalled from my first visit to Baginton.

  “Bulb.”

  “Bob.”

  “Well, this is fun,” I muttered as I watched Jenny moving along the rows of parishioners, occasionally removing someone's hat before apologising profusely and putting it back in place. Her eyes searched frantically for her father.

  “Umbra sent his best. I’m glad you’ve come to defend the temple. We could use the help,” Bulb said quietly.

  “They don’t know you’re here, do they? That priest was going on about you watching over them, and for once, a member of the clergy was right.”

  “Priests are right quite a lot. Mine are at least. Do you remember how you felt with the nobles at Nardshire’s ball? How they all seemed to know you, or of you, despite having never met you before?”

  “That is not how I remember it, actually.”

  “Well, that’s what they were thinking, most of them. They knew the dragon in human skin was among them, and the last time a non-human visited an event like that, it ended in slaughter.”

  “Having met them, I can understand why,” I groused. I leaned back against the far wall, mimicking Bulb’s posture. “So how can I help, O Mighty Lord of Luminescence?”

  Bulb chuckled and pushed his glasses up his nose to hide his glowing eyes. “You’re on our side, Bob. Music and I are part of a wider alliance. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘as above, so below’?”

  “It rings a bell.”

  “Well, let’s set theology aside. The humans all belong to factions; some like nice gods, while others like harsh gods. As my chosen, you’re in the nice camp.” He held up a hand to forestall my outburst. “I’m aware you were sort of forced to commit without really understanding the stakes, but Tex did mention that you’d earn the ire of some of the darker deities by signing up with me. Anyway, this civil war you started will fall out along theological lines.”

  “So I’m on the side of the angels, and Foreverknot and her lot fight for the demons?”

  “Heaven and Hell aren’t like that on Helstat. You might consider them competing firms, rather than enemies. They do the same thing, just with different methods and for different reasons. No, this is purely a heavenly confrontation. Hell won’t be involved beyond some scavenging on the sidelines. It’ll be light versus dark, with the filthy neutrals seeking to exploit any opportunities they can.”

  “Never trust a neutral,” I replied archly.

  “Exactly! Like, pick a fucking side, why don’t you? So the shadow has made its first move in response to your claiming of Longbottom: destroy my temple. As my chosen, I’ve got high hopes for you and your diligent efforts in defending my prime location on Helstat.”

  “God, dude, God-dude, I’m here to rescue Jenny’s dad. Baginton is way out of my area of influence. If you’ve got any strongholds of darkness in the north, let me know, and I’ll take them out. Have you seen the shit piled up outside your glowing walls of sticks and broken chairs? That’s an army. I’ve got a few hundred bunnyborgs, a handful of adventurers and yours truly.”

  “You fared well enough against Brigadier Moonslight in your first encounter.”

  “I don’t have barrels of shit on hand to repeat that trick, and those hunters could have done me if I hadn’t talked them out of it.” I threw up my hands in frustration and glared at the god.

  His glasses flashed, and he smiled slightly, the left side of his mouth quirking upwards. “How about I sweeten the deal, you rebellious dragon. This church has relics from ages long past, powerful items. You can take what you like from the Armoury of Light. It’s only fair that my champion should be properly equipped. They are very valuable, one-of-a-kind artefacts.”

  My greed-goblin started drooling in my mind. Dammit. I needed a counter.

  “Ok. That sounds good.” That wasn’t a counter, Bob! Bloody hell.

  “I knew you’d do the right thing, come on.”

  The singing had fallen to a quiet murmur, only broken by angry curses as Jenny stepped on people's toes as she went up and down the lines of people. Bulb led me down the central aisle to where the priest stood before the glowing altar and coughed pointedly.

  The priest looked down and blinked at me in confusion, then Bulb waved a hand, and his eyes widened as he saw his god. Before he could fall to his knees and start babbling at the crowd, Bulb laid his waving hand on my shoulder. “Bertrand, this is Bob, my Champion. He can take what he likes from the Armoury, ok? And Bob? Just a little hint, but this is war, and your enemies are all followers of the dark gods. They aren’t evil per se, but it’s a moral good to kill your enemies, so don’t you worry your scaly little head about your karma.”