“What’s up with the spacesuit?”

  Denarios shrugged, the silver material crinkling around his joints. “Some of us don’t leave the past behind as well as others. You’ve met Michael, so this shouldn’t come as a shock, but I appreciate that you’re… disadvantaged in some regards.”

  Mr Grey had gone very still and was rubbing the fingers and thumbs of both hands together like a hippy at a drum circle. I figured he was no longer terribly relevant to the conversation now that his boss was here.

  “Do gods pop by every time someone wants to open an account?”

  “Hardly.” Denarios smiled ruefully. “But you weren’t here to open an account.”

  “Lord, the truth crystal—”

  “Quiet, Hordram. Edison rather foolishly let Bob into his vault, and the dragon has ideas about robbing us.” The grey dude hissed and glared at me, half rising from his seat, but the god waved him back down.

  “You guys have to follow the rules. You can’t act against me directly.” I was starting to feel a bit like a mouse in a trap, something that did not sit well with my draconic instincts. I was also aware that he had just called me stupid, and I was unamused.

  “I can’t act directly against you, however… my minions are not so encumbered.”

  I didn’t like the sinister glint in his eyes. I rolled a portal stone between my fingers in my pocket. “How many minions do you want me to eat to show you it’s a bad idea. I killed Big Kenny.”

  “Pfft. Who cares about Kenny? He was only interesting because of who he chose to work for. You know how he came into Dalgliesh’s employ?”

  “I never caught his back story when I launched half of him into space.”

  “He landed in the ocean. Well, half of him did. It was an impressive shot, and he landed in the worst possible place as far as you're concerned. But that is for a possible future. One thing I like about you is that the Weave gets complicated wherever you bumble into the plans of others.”

  “There’s no gold here, is there?”

  “No, Bob. We should be friends. The blessing of the god of wealth would appeal to most dragons.”

  “I’m spoken for, and you aren’t my type.” A shower of sparkles exploded around me. Whether it was a result of me suppressing Greed, or if it was Bulb’s way of reminding me I’d made a commitment that I couldn’t back out of, I wasn’t sure.

  “I could make you spew actual gold,” Jeff the god chuckled.

  “I’d sweat gold? That sounds uncomfortable.”

  “You’d cough it up.”

  “I’ll pass.”

  “We could still be allies. Your fondness for the forces of illumination doesn’t preclude an alliance with the shadow. In fact, it might be best if you had a foot in both camps. It would restore balance. What do you think, Bulb?”

  There was no pop or flash. One second, we were a dragon, a god, and a terrified human; the next, the man with the shiny glasses was standing next to us.

  “What kind of deal are you thinking about, Jeff?”

  “Bulb, what the hell? Also, fix these goddamn sparkles!”

  “Can’t.” The god crossed his arms.

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Pick one.” He turned back to Denarios, seemingly dismissing me from the conversation, which caused Wrath to flare up in my mind. I fought for control, which became increasingly more difficult as the gods began to negotiate.

  “I think we need to bring things back into line, Bulb. You may have overstepped by recruiting him so quickly.”

  “That was simply fate. If he hadn’t met Tex, he’d have remained impartial for longer. IMPS was clearly at play, and I cannot be held responsible for taking an opportunity when it was presented.”

  Denarios crossed his arms and tapped one finger against a bicep. “But you still overstepped. Now there is no balance, and the Primal Empire is in play. That must be stopped.”

  “IMPS seems to like the idea, don’t you think?” Bulb uncrossed his arms and leaned back against the beige wall. “Even we must bend to its will.”

  “Hello? Hordram, we are still here, right?” The grey man nodded jerkily, but otherwise remained completely still, only his eyes flicking between the gods.

  Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

  “But we still have a choice, and giving Bob a dual allegiance will be a step in the right direction,” Denarios replied to Bulb. The pair of them seemed to have forgotten us.

  “Well, fuck you both very much. This has been a wash, and I’m out.” The portal stone in my pocket began to heat up, and I snatched my fingers off it, then hastily yanked it out of my pocket and tossed it on the ground. That much heat right next to an extremely thermally sensitive part of my anatomy was not an experience I would recommend.

  “Do be quiet, Bob. The grown-ups are speaking.” Bands of gold sprang out of nowhere and bound my arms and legs, as well as sealing over my mouth. They were heavy, and I found it was all I could do to stay on my feet.

  “Thank you,” Bulb said as Denarios' handwave silenced me. “He does like to go on a lot. As to the choice, what’s in it for me?”

  “The return of the Primal is terrible for all of us. Even if you achieve total victory, you’ll give birth to something worse in the end. The status quo is preferable.”

  Bulb’s eyes flashed brightly. “You don’t have anything to offer?”

  “We will both benefit.” Denarios chuckled, a sound like coins clinking against a metal table. “Here.” He waved a hand again, and complex patterns and diagrams flickered into the air between the two gods. Lines, notes, confluences, it looked like an extreme close-up of a tapestry.

  Bulb glowered at the dancing lights, then waved a hand to dispel them. “You may have a point. My own projections failed to include the impact of Bob on the global economy. Perhaps we should just kill him?”

  I went very still and began to consider my options. They seemed to be rather limited.

  “I don’t think that is allowed.”

  “We could probably get away with it. Some of the others will be upset with us, but if we don’t, and your prediction of the broader impact of his business expansion comes to pass… The calamity will be terrible.”

  “Perhaps we need to be less hands-off in managing him?” Denarios asked thoughtfully.

  “There is no we, yet,” Bulb replied.

  “But there will be, won’t there?” Wealth grinned.

  “It is looking that way.”

  My options were limited, but I’d been trapped before and still hadn’t tried the same trick that had worked last time. The gold stretched and snapped as my body shifted, scales springing up across my skin, muscles expanding, and feathered wings sprouting from my back.

  “You bastards!” I snarled.

  “Calm down, Bob.”

  “Get wrecked, Bulb. You guys are talking about me like I’m not even here!”

  “You aren’t as important as you think you are, Bob.”

  Vanity and Wrath began battering at the walls of my sanity.

  “Like hell I’m not.” I sent a column of orange-green fire towards the pair of them, but Bulb just raised a lazy hand, and the breath attack was absorbed into it.

  “How would you like to be Emperor?” Denarios asked me.

  “What?”

  “If Harald doesn’t break free from your control, the next logical choice, based on the threads, would be you.”

  “There are other candidates, Denarios.”

  “I’m aware, but is Bargleblaster any better?” Denarios glowered at Bulb, who shrugged in reply. “We need to put this to the council.”

  The god of light shook his head. “They won’t like it. It’s a four-to-five split, and Karen will veto.”

  “That split changes if we work together.” My head swivelled between the pair of them as they locked eyes for a moment. One in a sharp suit with reflective spectacles, the other looking like he was a billionaire larping as a spaceman. They stepped close and did the hand clasp that Butch and Dylan do in Predator, only without the biceps.

  “Bob, you have my blessing to accept Denarios’ offer. It won’t remove the sparkles, I’m afraid. You can learn to control them, but you will have to learn to control yourself to do so.”

  “Thanks, Buddha.”

  “So… what can the god of wealth do for a dragon? Hmm. You’re already breaking the global economy.”

  “I’m selling the life-extension version of Viagra! It’s hardly fiat currency,” I objected.

  “You’ve also brought a flight of dragons into a war. You have no idea how much gold IMPS had to crap out during those battles. It’s hugely degrading the value of the currency, and it’s only going to get worse over the next few years. Maybe we can compromise? How about instead of gold for kills, you just get biomass?”

  “Piss off. How is that fair?” Greed had suffered some kind of aneurysm and was receiving mouth-to-mouth from Lust… hopefully it was just CPR.

  “Well, in exchange, you’d get extra biomass instead, and between the pair of us, we can probably sway IMPS to be slightly kinder with you in terms of the evolutions you get offered,” Bulb said.

  “You keep talking about IMPS like it’s some dude on a throne overseeing everything. Kat seems to think it’s more like… programming language.”

  “Well, why can’t it be both?” Bulb said.

  “But… So he’s like some kind of mega-god?”

  “One of them. Probably the most active one. IMPS is constantly involved in everything happening across the multiverse.”

  “Oh. No. We are not doing multiversal bullshit. That never ends well. What does he do in this one? And on Earth! We didn’t have any system or anything back home.”

  “Earth is a special case. Hardly unique, but it’s a… nest. Hatchery, maybe? Call it a proving ground. Clearly, IMPS is there, though. He talked to you when you died, and he had been keeping track of your karma.”

  “So he’s your boss, and you guys think you can swing me a better deal on evolutions?”

  “Something like that. He has… a sense of humour.”

  “Not a funny one.” I regretted it the moment I said it. I’d done so well recently at avoiding riling up the divinity that underlay the fabric of reality and shaped my future. I was still a little bit bitter about the whole impregnating me thing, though.

  “He doesn’t seek approval for his jokes, and he doesn’t have to, Bob. How about, in addition to better evolutions, I throw the backing of the Bank behind your little gastropub business? As it stands, any Umbrati town is closed to you. We could change that.”

  “The Swinging Cod gets the mandate of heaven?” Greed came round and spat Lust's tongue out of his mouth. A brief scuffle ensued, but Greed was back in business.

  “The support of the Bank, and myself.” Denarios crossed his arms. “That’s a very significant offer, dragon. Think carefully before you refuse. I could make your expansion very difficult if I want to.”

  “What about the BBB?” Now Greed was back in his right mind, and done taking revenge on Lust, I just couldn’t help myself.

  “Your market floor? I approve of it anyway.”

  “I think we need some representation in there,” Bulb interrupted. “Temples to Jeff and me.”

  I pondered for a moment, ignoring Hordram, who was trying to gather up the paperwork that had been scattered when I knocked his desk over while I transformed.

  “How big do these temples need to be?” I asked suspiciously.