“Are you fucking mental? You know who owns this place?” said a quiet voice that broke the sudden silence the ballsy declaration of intent to rob had caused.

  “You think I care? Jewellery, cash, put it in the bag the lovely lady is carrying around! I’ve got a wand and I’m not afraid to use it!”

  “I don’t think you’re going to like where that wand ends up, matey,” muttered another voice as I pushed through the curtains.

  Esme caught my arm and whispered, “You’ll be cleaning up, so try not to make a mess.”

  That hardly seemed fair to me, but I was confident I could handle this fairly cleanly. I paused as I took in the scene before me. Wrath grew incandescent, a flaming avatar in my mind, but I fought for control. I did not want to be stuck tidying shit up afterwards. I could just use magic to put them to sleep before I ate them anyway, so it would be fine.

  The patrons of my finest establishment, my flagship enterprise, were all smirking and shaking their heads. Grubby farmers, leather-clad deviants… adventurers, I hastily corrected, and merchants looked on with interest, not fear, as the would-be bandits glared around in consternation at the lack of concern for their threats. We ought to make popcorn a thing in the Cod. In all the pubs, in fact. I’d be making a killing right now. I made a mental note about the missed opportunity.

  They had managed to take out the bunnyborgs. Wounds to their armoured heads sparked where some kind of blunt object had been jammed in at the points where the ears met the skulls. I wasn’t sure if this counted as murder or property damage… I still wasn’t entirely comfortable about the cybernetic abominations. Sure, they’d just eat carrot puree and kill anything they could get their paws on if left to their own devices, but it still felt wrong somehow.

  My sparkles completely spoiled the effect. Vengeful dragon, destroyer of armies, hoarder of shinies, handsome, powerful and untouchable. The vibe was completely ruined by the explosion of glowing motes as my emotions exploded in my mind.

  It seemed to pass through the crowd osmotically, the awareness of my presence spreading silently as they started to shy away from the would-be robbers.

  “Put the jewellery in the fucking bag!” snarled the female menu item. She was waving a short wand around like a gun. So she probably wasn’t a mage herself. Wrath was a towering inferno in my mind. The sight of the customers smirking and chuckling as I stood there like a Roman candle dampened my flames a little, but not enough for it to matter.

  “Stay where you are, Twilight!”

  That was quite enough of that shit. I crossed the distance in the blink of an eye and hoisted her off the floor by the neck. She made a strangled squawking noise, and I felt three dull thuds on my stomach. I held her out to one side and glanced down at my now-shredded tunic. My artificial abs looked good. Vanity preened for a second before my eyes panned up to the now-smoking wand in her hand.

  “I wore a fancy shirt today, you… you hors d’?uvre!”

  “Whoa! Bob! There’s no need to call her that,” said a woman from a few seats over. “It’s sexist.”

  “Not what I meant,” I growled. The woman’s eyes were bright blue as she hung before me. They were also as wide as they could go and rolling with terror. I slapped the wand out of her hand and turned towards the gentleman-robber, holding her out to the side like a slab of beef.

  “Put her down or… or I’ll start shooting!”

  The crowd shuffled their chairs back slightly, creating a space where they estimated they wouldn’t get splattered with blood. Our eyes met, and he shot me a glare. Four out of ten; needs work. The guy was an amateur glarer at best.

  “I know what you’re thinking. Did he snarl six times, or only five? I’m the most powerful dragon in the world, so the question you’ve got to ask yourself is: do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

  “That didn’t really make sense,” muttered a nearby adventurer. “A magnum is a six-shooter, a dragon can snarl as often as he likes.” I sent the man a spare glare I had on hand, and he clammed up.

  “Put her down, or I’ll kill… this asshole!” The man grabbed a nearby patron by the collar and hoisted him up, holding his wand next to the poor bastard's head.

  Even in my rage, I had my priorities right. A customer getting gooped in my bar would be bad for business. Business meant profits, and I liked profits.

  “Una Somna!” I snapped, and the man fell to the floor. His hostage sat down and drained his glass before shooting me a grateful look.

  “Thanks, Bob. I was worried for a moment there.”

  “Nobody steals from me, or my customers,” I growled as I stalked through the crowd to pick the snoring man up with my free hand. The woman kicked feebly at me, her blows barely noticeable.

  Love what you're reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

  “Bob. I did say you’d be tidying up,” called Esme.

  “I didn’t make a mess… oh.” Apparently, I’d charged through the counter at the bar on my way to intercept little-miss-criminal. Customers were fishing sawdust and splinters out of their drinks and grumbling quietly.

  “I’m not a carpenter.” I shrugged. “I’ll get it fixed.” Greed-goblin started to get uppity in my mind, but Wrath was still more pissed off than usual, so the little grey dude just skulked into a corner of my mind, muttering to itself.

  I shook the man awake and stood grinning up at them where they dangled, my teeth unaturally pointy and sharp. Time to teach them the most important and final lesson of their stupid, short, thieving lives…

  “What’s going on here, then?”

  I turned my head slowly towards the door. Light Invincible stood in the frame, backlit by the new light orbs that now adorned the street outside. The neon flashes from the animated sign I’d gotten as a gift for Esme threw flickering colours over his shiny armour.

  He stepped forward, and three more Quaestors, all in heavy plate, followed him in. They glanced around and spread out, one moving to put himself between the portal and my good self.

  “These idiots tried to rob my bar. Seriously, trying to rob a dragon!”

  “I think judgment should be left to the Inquaesition and the courts. Can’t have mob justice being meted out by citizens,” Light said.

  “They tried to rob a dragon.”

  “So we should take witness statements, examine the evidence. If it’s as you say, Baronet Bob, then the law will give them their just desserts.”

  “They are desserts. Or a starter. I haven’t decided yet. You can’t have them.”

  The crowd was deathly silent. It was a bit like when your parents start arguing at a family get-together. Aunt Petunia is sitting there smirking and taking notes. Little Jimmy looks like he’s scared, and Uncle Ron is too pissed to realise his last “joke” wasn’t very funny and started the whole thing. It was awkward, to say the least.

  I had calmed down somewhat. Wrath was a dull ember rather than a raging inferno, and greed and vanity were engaged in some sort of argument with the Lust-monkey. However, I wouldn’t, couldn’t hand these dicks over to the feds.

  A hand rose into the air, a random customer foolishly choosing now to have an opinion. “They did try to rob us. And called us motherfuckers. That guy stopped them.”

  “Yeah, look here! It’s the bag they were using for the loot. That’s my grandma’s ring that the bastards wanted to take.” The woman held up the loot bag from where my captive had dropped it and started pulling items out. “This is yours, right? Here you go, love. And you… They took your coin pouch.”

  “That’s not my pouch. Mine was heavier than that.”

  “Bullshit! I saw you drop it in. It’s got that little tag on it! Those are your initials!” barked another victim.

  An argument broke out among the people who had been robbed as they attempted to rob each other. After a few moments, one of the Quaestors strode over, snatched the bag from them, and began quietly arbitrating among the bickering customers.

  “So yeah, they were thieves. That much is established, or do you need DNA samples from everyone present?” I smirked at Light Invincible, who scowled back at me. I really hoped I’d nuked his memory properly.

  “I’m going to have to take them into custody, Sir Bob. Please hand them over. The chap is going a little blue in the face, I’d ask you to loosen your grip.”

  Oh, he wanted to play this game, did he? Fine, I could play along.

  “Sure, why don’t we take this outside?” I picked my way through the tables, nodding graciously as people thanked me for my timely intervention, my future snacks dangling from either hand. I waved one delicacy to indicate the Quaestor should go out ahead of me, then followed him onto the street.

  “You can’t kill them, Bob.”

  “Yeah, I can.”

  “You can’t. You aren’t privy to all the facts. I have extenuating circumstances for both of them.”

  “They tried to steal from me.” It was the only relevant fact.

  “No, they didn’t. They tried to steal from your customers,” Light replied, crossing his arms and glaring at me. Two out of ten.

  “Which is stealing from me. The customers can’t buy beer and food if they’ve been robbed.”

  “We would have apprehended them and returned the stolen goods.”

  “You’ve got a mighty high opinion of your outfit’s skills. Look, I don’t want to bicker. I need you guys onside. I’ve got a plan to extend my portal network into the city, and I don’t want to piss off your boss. How about I eat these pricks, and we can talk about the important stuff?”

  “I can’t let you do that.”

  Hmm. He and what army was going to stop me? I turned the pair of terrified humans to face me and smiled, making sure to flash plenty of fang. “What do you guys think? We tried to rob you, Bob, we deserve what we get.” Ventriloquism wasn’t my strong suit, but Light probably got the idea. They were struggling to breathe anyway, so it wasn’t like they could offer any kind of philosophical input.

  “Bob–”

  I tossed the pair of them into the air and transformed. My jaws flicked out like I was a snapping turtle, and they were gone.

  Biomass stored:

  483.4 KG

  Biomass required for evolution: 300 KG

  “Delicious,” I said after I finished chewing. “Now, about the portal network extending to the city: there’s a lot of potential, not only for profits but also for your lot to move around more quickly. I mean, if a prickly dragon were to take a dislike to you in, say, Baginton, you’d be able to rally your forces quickly and deploy a strong group of secret policemen to respond in minutes rather than days. What?”

  Light had pushed his visor back and was scrubbing at his face. “They were Quaestor agents. This was a test.”

  “Oh. Does it help if I tell you they had a delicate flavour and you should be proud?”

  “No, it doesn’t. I am hereby–”

  “Oblivastur Recentis!” I transformed back into my human form. “Fallicibus Vestibus!” Illusory clothes, remarkably similar to the ones I’d been wearing, appeared over my skin. Weird as it sounds, knowing you’re naked underneath but no one else knows was a kind of fun. Von Kolbens was still a weird pervert, though, in my opinion.

  “Where are the thieves?” Light snapped when his eyes refocused.

  “You poked me, and I dropped them. The bastards legged it. Now, seeing as I passed the… urge to eat them, and it’s your fault they escaped, very brave of you to defend them by the way, let’s talk about a portal licence for Ankmapak. I’d be happy to offer the Quaestors a discount on their travel chits, say, three per cent? That sounds reasonable to me.”