“You came for my horn? You’re from the Hunter’s Guild?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

  “Hardly,” I replied with a broad, overly toothy smile.

  “My name is Cornulongum Simularequus. I would have been surprised if beings such as you belonged to the Hunters. They aren’t exactly equal opportunity employers,” Cornulongum said.

  “I’ve got a hands-off kind of deal with them,” I said.

  We were still back-to-back, slowly rotating because Bungholio and Jace wanted to see who was talking, and we were surrounded.

  “How did you manage that?” Jace asked. His head only came up to the base of my spine, and I imagined he had Bargleblaster’s buttock pressed against the other half of his skull.

  “I spared the first team that came after me.”

  “You mean they escaped. Holy shit, it’s a My Little Pony!” Bargleblaster exclaimed as he rotated far enough to get a clear look at the unicorn.

  “This is why I avoid humans.”

  “Oi! I’m not a human!” Jace snapped.

  I rotated back to facing the unicorn. I wearily glanced away from the rows of eyes glaring at me from the shadows under the bushes at the edge of the meadow. “Not important right now, Jace. Cornie, we don’t want to hurt any…thing we don’t have to. But we really need your horn.”

  “Why should I give you my horn?”

  “Would it help if I said please?”

  “The dragon called Bob saying please would be amusing,” she replied.

  “I say please all the time,” I objected over my shoulder as the steady circling took me out of line of sight.

  “Ekaterina doesn’t seem to think so.”

  “How the hell do you know Kat?” I demanded.

  “Oh, do stop turning around, you’re making me feel sick just watching you.” A series of nightmarish whinnies rang out, and I spun round to stare. Her mouth had split into six different jaw-limb parts, like the Predator but less attractive. As they slotted back together, she once again looked like a goddamn cartoon, but that lingering memory of the horror that was her snout couldn’t be shaken off so quickly.

  The undergrowth rustled, and glowing eyes blinked, then vanished as they withdrew. We shifted nervously, but within seconds, we were seemingly alone with our interlocutor.

  “That’s better. Now–”

  “Bunglebumper, stop!” I snapped, but it was too late. As soon as the last of the eyes vanished, he launched himself forward, a stream of brown fire farting across the space between him and the unicorn.

  “Shit talking. A strange pastime. Your karma is… muddy. Scutum Iris!”

  New Syntheticus unlocked!

  Scutum Iris

  A shield of rainbow light sprang up and diverted the poop-fire up into the sky. I followed it up with my eyes and began sidling slowly towards the treeline. Savaged by cute woodland critters seemed like the better option than being underneath wherever Bargleblaster’s breath attack came down.

  He practically flew across the distance between them, one Herculean fist cocked back, aiming to slam it into that hidden horror-snout. He never made it. She called out another spell, and the shield moved. Bargleblaster bounced off.

  “Scutum Iaculis!”

  New Syntheticus unlocked!

  Scutum Iaculis

  The shield had wrapped him up, turning him into a pissed off rainbow clad burrito.

  “What the fuck!” He struggled, head and feet thrashing back and forth as he tried to break free. I was rapidly reassessing my plan to use the other two dragons to take the kills, but keep the horns for myself.

  “Let him go. Baconbouncer, knock it off.”

  The horse head turned towards me, and the tiny wings fluttered for a second, sending out a shower of sparkles.

  “We’re not so dissimilar, it seems.” I clapped my hands and filled the meadow with glowing motes.

  “The Champion of Bulb. A pleasure to formally make your acquaintance.” The pony bowed, and my eyes tracked the midnight black horn that sprang from the purple fur. “You require a good horn?”

  “How many have you got? And please let him go, he’s an idiot, but he’s not a bad kid.”

  Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

  “Kelvin was banned from all social media, by law, back on your home planet.”

  My eyes tracked round to Bargleblaster, whose Atlantean face had turned puce at the use of his former name. I noted it down for future piss-taking, but wanted to stay on topic for now.

  “Well, please let Kelvin go. If he acts out again, feel free to teach him a lesson. As long as you don’t kill him,” I hurriedly added at the end.

  “I wouldn’t kill a member of the TOTS. But you have come into my forest uninvited and with ill intent. It is lucky I was alerted to your presence before the Elves detected you. They are less inclined to talk, especially when two of you appear to be humans at first glance.” She nickered briefly, the way a human might cough or chuckle between sentences. “Why do you want unicorn horns?”

  “My alchemist needs it for some potions.”

  Bargleblaster sagged to the ground as the rainbow shield vanished, then glared at Cornie. He flexed his overwrought shoulder muscles and stepped back slowly, shooting a nervous glance at Jace and me.

  “Powerful potions. You can buy the horns on the market. We shed them once a year.”

  “But none of them end up on the market, or very few do.” The price had been my sticking point.

  “How much do they go for?”

  I told her, and she let out a whinnying laugh, slapping her sides with her wings.

  “That much? And you were just going to give us the meat?” Jace asked angrily.

  “I want a third of the value of the horn,” Bargleblaster added.

  Goddamn all talkative ponies to the hell designed for gossipers.

  “I haven’t promised to give you anything yet. Foolish to bicker over a deal that hasn’t been made yet. Which potions are you making your alchemist produce?”

  Shit. If Jace and Bunnybong found out just how valuable the Immortality injections were… this could be trouble.

  “You know, one of the rare ones,” I hedged badly.

  “So in the hundreds of millions in terms of value,” Cornie added unhelpfully.

  “Hundreds?” Bargleblaster said.

  “Of millions?” Jace finished for him.

  They both turned to face me and tried to glare. They were amateur glares, at best. But still. Double shit.

  “I don’t know exactly how much they’ll be worth.” This was true. Auctions were hard to predict.

  “Well, according to the tax receipts from Killrat–” the unicorn began, but I cut her off.

  “No need to go into private business details! How do you know that, and how do you know about Kat?”

  “The trees talk to their friends,” she replied with an equine shrug.

  “Actually, I think we do need to go into–”

  “Shut up, Binglebonk. So Cornie, what’s it going to take to set up a trade? I’ve got a bunch of snazzy gear that Bulb gave me. Could help your pointy-eared mates out with what’s coming.”

  “We do not fear the return of the Primal Empire, Bob. Most of the elves feel it would be nice to at least have the option of leaving the forest for an extended period.”

  “I’ve got an elf in a mercenary team… he’s fine?”

  “Halefire has only been outside the green for a few years. When you live for centuries, an extended period takes on a different meaning. But you are dragons and will live for thousands of years, if you’re lucky. You’ll figure it out. Follow me, please. We can talk in comfort at the Cornucopia.”

  Cornulongum Simularequus turned gracefully, flicking her tail out as her mane swished across her shoulders. She headed deeper into the woods, the gloom drawing closer after the relative freedom of the meadow.

  “How did you know about Kat?” I asked. She only came up to my waist, but I was under no illusion that getting away if she decided to attack might be a challenge.

  “The WOO keeps us informed of… aberrations. You and Ekaterina certainly fall under that category. Once your companions are suitably distracted, we can discuss a contract. I am not averse to an exchange.”

  “What do you want?” I whispered. Bargleblaster and Jace were following along behind us, a good six feet away, so I hissed the words from the corner of my mouth while staring up at the branches overhead.

  “Later, Bob. For now, how do you find the forest?”

  I looked around. The shadows were deep and menacing, and bushes rustled and moved in a way that suggested there was more than just the breeze in motion around us. It was much more intimidating than I would have expected an elven woodland to be.

  “Creepy. Your… mates are keeping an eye on us?”

  “Of course, not that they are needed, but they are surprisingly protective of us, even though it’s our job to protect them,” Cornie chuckled.

  “So you can fly?” I waved a hand at her miniature wings.

  “Not with those, but magic can let you do almost anything. You learned my spells?”

  I glanced down at her, and she looked up at me with big dark eyes framed by long black lashes. “Yep.”

  “Impressive. I saw your mana system change. Can you do that for any magic?”

  “Never seen a spell I didn’t instantly gain,” I boasted.

  “Perhaps we can make a deal.”

  “Hey! If you’re making a deal, then I want a cut,” Bargleblaster objected, and the pair of them hurried to catch up.

  “What kind of deal?” I asked, ignoring the other dragons.

  “There will be some interest in… studying you. In exchange, we can trade some of last year's horns. Still fresh and fine for alchemy. Most alchemists never see horn shavings, let alone an entire one. I’m sure your minion will be happy with the product.”

  “When you say study me–”

  “We get a cut. A third of all the horns.” Jace’s voice was annoyingly emphatic.

  “A third? For doing what? Taking a walk in the woods? Killing some critters? You aren’t really contributing much,” I argued. Greed nodded emphatically in my head, and Wrath perked up. The fiery little guy had been subdued since Greed had his moment of supremacy, but now his flames started burning a little hotter.

  “You were going to rob us,” Bargleblaster countered.

  “No. I was going to let you have the kills and the rest of the bodies. If they’re anything like us–” I waved a hand at Cornie, “–then pretty much all their parts are valuable.”

  “Oh, certainly. Our hooves are used for angelic summonings, fur for enchanting armour. People actually use our eyeballs as replacements for their own. At one point, we almost went extinct because some humans figured out that unicorn penis would boost their testosterone levels and get them in the mood. There are still a lot of involuntary geldings who hold a hell of a grudge. You’re lucky it wasn’t one of them that found you in our forest.”

  “What can a ball-less Shetland pony do to us?”

  “Bargleblaster, I could have turned you into paste if I’d wanted to.” The Adonis shrank back slightly and tried to hide behind the four-foot-tall alien like an elephant using a cow as cover.

  “Don’t worry about him, he’s not very bright.”

  “I’m aware of that, Bob. Here’s a warning: do not upset the other unicorns. Most aren’t as friendly as I am. Jace, do not snap that branch. If they say anything to you, be very polite, no matter what it is they say.”

  I considered my internal menagerie. Wrath’s recovery could be an issue. I was at best middling in my ability to bite my tongue when provoked. It had been the same in my old life, too quick to snap back, smart enough to make my barbs hurt and not clever enough to realise I probably shouldn’t. Becoming a dragon had not done me any favours in that area.

  I started thinking about the massive vaults I could fill with gold if I could get my hands on some more unicorn horns. The vast, inconceivable wealth I could accrue as long as I could mind my manners with pissed off, pocket-sized ponies.

  You’ve got this, Bob.