Keira pulled her earbud out sharply. “Wait, what the fuck just happened? I don’t remember this bit.”

  Caelan didn’t even look at her. “Shit. I could kill for some pakora right now.”

  Keira leaned over and grabbed the front of his jacket. “No, no, no. You’re not doing it again. What happened? And why do you keep bringing up Linda? I knew you were weirdly into buying her flowers, but it’s been what, forty thousand years since you saw her? Damn, get over it. She won’t even remember you now.”

  Caelan scanned the room instead. “Anyone want to get food? Maybe pizza?”

  Keira flopped back into her chair. “Why do I bother? And if you want food, you can get it yourself this time.”

  Marcus finally closed his notebook, glancing around the room. Fiona sighed beside him. “See? You didn’t miss much. This is all we’ve been doing since they got here.”

  Mark grumbled, rubbing his face. “Yeah. Because this is exactly what I signed up for, listening to fantasy war stories. Not going to lie, Caelan… did that even have a point?”

  Caelan laughed. “Oh, absolutely. I just needed to lay the groundwork. See, the issue is we very, very quickly became victims of our own success.”

  Marcus leaned forward. “In what way? And how does that relate to what’s going on here?”

  Caelan cracked open a fresh can of Irn-Bru, all smiles. “Well, I figured out pretty fast that the region we were operating in during the war became an accelerated pocket of social and economic advancement. A lot of factors at play, ones I didn’t fully see at the time.”

  Marcus frowned. “I’m sorry, I still don’t understand what this has to do with us.”

  Caelan’s grin widened. “That’s because I have more experience getting it wrong than any of you could imagine. Which brings us neatly to Operation Day Zero.”

  Fiona leaned forward. “You mentioned that before.”

  Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose and looked at her. “And you’re only telling me this now?”

  Mark raised his hands. “Whoa, it’s not her fault. We haven’t even had time to write a report yet, never mind understand what he’s talking about.”

  Caelan waved it off. “It’s fine. I’ll explain it quickly since we’re,” He paused, checking the clock. “Crap. Is that the time?”

  The door opened.

  Takeshi wandered in, dragging a massive case behind him. “What happened in here?”

  Caelan and Keira both waved.

  Fiona leaned on the table and gave Takeshi a very deliberate, flirty wave.

  Keira squinted. “Huh. Think you finally got yourself a fan, Takeshi. Shit, I thought I’d seen everything in the war. Can’t wait to tell Bella.”

  Takeshi leaned over Caelan and grabbed Keira by the cheek. “I see someone didn’t change even a little, Master Sergeant.”

  Keira grinned. “Pfft. How do you improve on perfection, bitch? You know it.”

  Marcus gestured between them. “And this is…?”

  Caelan nodded. “Ah, right. That’s my tech guy. Sergeant Takeshi Oda. He’s been busy doing a few things for me.”

  Takeshi exploded. “A few things?! I’ve been working like a madman while you lot sit around and wait. Is this a picnic? Actually, don’t answer that, it’s probably the most normal thing I’ve seen you do.”

  They all sat there for a beat.

  Keira’s phone started ringing.

  Everyone froze.

  Caelan blinked. “Who the fuck is phoning you?”

  Keira smirked. “Probably someone wanting to declare their undying love to me.” She answered. “You’re speaking to your one and only superstar… uh-huh… uh-huh…" She covered the phone. "It’s for you, bro.””

  She handed the phone to Caelan.

  The room went dead silent.

  Caelan took it, pressed it to his ear. “Who the fuck is,” He stopped. “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU, WAIT. ARE YOU ON EARTH?”

  Everyone leaned in.

  “I’VE BEEN BACK FOR THREE HOURS, FUCKING PRESS MAN.”

  Caelan pinched the phone between his shoulder and ear and looked at the room. “Sorry, guys. One moment. Virelith press on the line, wanting a comment.”

  Takeshi stared. “SHE’S NOT FROM EARTH. HOW. JUST HOW?”

  Caelan held a finger up to Takeshi and went back to the call. “Well, the only comment I’ve got right now is that he certainly lived up to the name Whaa Whaa… uh-huh… uh-huh… right, I’ll pass it on. Catch you in a bit, about to step into a meeting. Oh, you little asshole, haha. Right. Catch you later. Bye, fucker.”

  He hung up.

  “Sorry,” Caelan said. “Space press.”

  Then, with a shrug, “Good news though, she’s only in the Milky Way.”

  Takeshi snapped. “No. No. We are NOT inviting her to Earth. Twenty questions about literally everything? I’m too busy dealing with your mess to have her floating around.”

  Keira groaned. “Does she really need to come? She always writes about me like I’m some sort of unhinged monster.”

  Caelan nodded. “About that—she says you’re getting a full article titled ‘Monster or Idiot: You Decide.’ She’ll send you a copy when it’s ready.”

  Keira buried her face in her hands. “Of fucking course she is. And I swear, if she mentions the bush one more time,”

  Marcus stared at him. “Are you telling me you just spoke to aliens from another world?”

  Caelan shrugged. “I wish. Sorry you weren’t here for it, but nah. The universe is a little more boring than that. Turns out humans are about the only intelligent life around—just with a few more skin tones.”

  Marcus cleared his throat. “Do they pose an immediate threat to Earth?”

  Caelan tilted his head, nodding slowly. “Maybe. Yeah. But you’re fine for now, my little button.”

  Marcus’s eyes narrowed. “Your veiled threats won’t get a rise out of me. I’m simply here to ensure Britain and its interests are protected, no matter what form that takes.”

  Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  Takeshi snorted. “Wow. Real barrel of fun, this one. Right—before I forget.” He flipped open the case he’d dragged in and tossed two phones across the table to Caelan and Keira, then slid a tablet toward Caelan.

  Keira caught hers, already inspecting it. “How secure?”

  “More secure than you deserve, you monster,” Takeshi said. “Can’t wait to read that article.”

  “YOU BETTER NOT COMMENT ON IT AGAIN,” Keira snapped. “I swear I’ll make you eat the article.”

  Marcus sighed. “Can we please go back to the topic of Operation Day Zero?”

  Caelan turned to Takeshi and pointed at the tablet. “Just this button?”

  “Anything more complicated and you’ll break it,” Takeshi said. “So yes. Just the big red button. But wait until,”

  Caelan pressed it.

  He laughed.

  Mark, Fiona, and Marcus’s phones erupted with sirens, vibrating violently as notifications stacked on top of one another.

  Mark stared at his screen. “Emergency broadcast, from the UN?”

  Fiona swallowed. “Every news channel’s posting it.”

  Marcus looked up slowly. “Is this your doing?”

  “Well,” Caelan said, settling back into his chair, “you see, Operation Day Zero,”

  The door opened again.

  Milo and Aidan walked in.

  Milo whistled. “Nice. Love what you’ve done with the place.”

  Aidan scowled. “Sis, are you kidding? You left everything to me just so you could come here?”

  Caelan shot to his feet and wrapped both of them in a crushing hug. “I missed you, little fuckers, so much. Come here—ahhhh! How’ve you been?”

  “Other than the death grip and a fight,” Aidan said dryly, “fine.”

  “Ignore him,” Milo said. “So how’ve you been, sis? Give us the quick version.”

  “Sexy as fuck, ever,” Caelan grinned. “Wait, sis, I thought you’d be a bit more,”

  “Shut up, Milo. Give me,” Keira snapped.

  Milo reached into his pocket and handed out bank cards. “There’s about a hundred on each.”

  Keira’s grin was immediate. “Oh, bitch, this doesn’t even start to make up for everything. Amazon, add to cart, add to cart, add to cart, wait, where am I shipping this to?”

  “HQ,” Caelan said. “It’s fine.”

  “Is it finished already?” Aidan said. “Wow, Sergeant. That was fast.”

  Takeshi handed Milo and Aidan each a phone. “You’ve got to be kidding me. What the hell is that stuff made of? I can’t even begin to mould it.”

  “Ah, yeah,” Caelan said. “I’ll help with that. They’re tenth-tier bars. Shit’s almost me-proof. Oh, Aidan, do you have...”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Aidan pulled a small flash drive from his pocket. “It’s all on there.”

  Caelan plugged it into the tablet, smiling widely. “And, send.”

  Mark blinked. “Are more of you joining? I think we need a bigger room at this rate.”

  Fiona tilted her head. “What kind of phones are those? I’ve never seen that make before.”

  “Custom,” Takeshi said. “These idiots move so fast that normal phones would shatter before they could blink.”

  “Well, aren’t you handy?” Fiona said.

  “Give it a day,” Mark muttered.

  Marcus raised his voice. “Can we please get back to Operation Day Zero?”

  Caelan sighed. “Right. I’m not explaining this twice. Pull the news up on your phones—you’ll know in a minute.”

  Mark frowned. “It’s just a video of the UN assembly hall.”

  Caelan’s smile turned sharp. “Right. You all go ahead. Milo, hold up a sec. We’ll catch up.”

  Before anyone could react, Aidan, Keira, and Takeshi were gone.

  Caelan slung an arm around Milo’s shoulders and looked back into the room. “We’ll only be a few minutes. Anyone want anything while I’m away?”

  “MY MONEY!” Fiona shouted.

  “Back in two,” Caelan said.

  They stepped into the station hallway.

  Marcus peeked out, watching.

  Caelan leaned in close to Milo, voice dropping. “I need a massive favour. Take this, hide it from me. Don’t open it. Lyra will need it.”

  He slipped Milo an envelope.

  Milo blinked. “Sure, oh. By the way. The letter in our jackets, is it true?”

  “Yes,” Caelan said quietly. “But not now.”

  Milo pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. And thanks for watching, sis, all that time. He might never admit it, but we knew you wouldn’t let her down.”

  “It’s fine,” Caelan said.

  Then, softer, “By the way, someone told me to tell you she misses you. And she loves you. With the explicit note of ‘no more hiding.’”

  Milo smiled. “Let’s just hope sis is in a good mood that day.”

  They laughed.

  “Is she ever?” Caelan said.

  “Nope,” Milo replied.

  Milo vanished first.

  Caelan lingered a second longer in the hallway, then gave a small, almost lazy wave back toward the room. Marcus, Fiona, and Mark were still standing there, watching him.

  Then Caelan disappeared.

  Fiona frowned at her phone. “Uh… you might want to see this.”

  —

  The UN assembly hall.

  Caelan, Keira, Milo, Aidan, and Takeshi stood on the stage as cameras snapped and the room dissolved into noise. Takeshi leaned in, barely moving his lips. “Stick to the script.”

  Caelan stepped up to the podium, smiling ear to ear.

  “Why are you wasting the effort, Sarge?” Aidan muttered.

  “At least it’s more fun this way,” Milo giggled.

  Caelan tapped the mic. “Hi, everyone. How are we all doing today? Good? Good. Yeah, great. Right—thanks for attending on such short notice.”

  The room quieted.

  “For those of you already in the loop, you might have a slight idea what this is about. Long story short, I’m what you’d call an Immortal Emperor.” He waved a hand. “Don’t let the name fool you—I’m not here to rule over anyone. Titles are messy like that. The one I actually answer to is Captain of the Revolutionary Army. But honestly, feel free to just call me Caelan.”

  The Canadian representative shot to his feet. “Who are you, and where is security? I’m not listening to another second of,”

  Keira was already moving. She smiled sweetly. “Sit down, or I’ll put you down.”

  The man scoffed. “Get out of my way, little girl. Don’t you have school tomorrow?”

  “Oh crap,” Caelan muttered.

  The man vanished under a full-body cocoon of duct tape.

  Keira strolled back toward the stage, twirling the roll in her hand. “Plenty more where that came from. Sit quietly. We’ll be done in a minute, Captain.”

  Caelan covered the mic with one hand. “Shit, even the lieutenant would be impressed by that restraint. Good job.”

  Keira took her place again, smirking.

  “So,” Caelan continued, “before I was so rudely interrupted—let’s clear something up. We’re not here to rule. That’s the number one thing I want you to understand today.”

  He looked out over the delegates. “But being a native of this planet, let’s be honest… none of you really dazzle me. Most of your governments have acted like children for a long time now. So, out of the goodness of my heart—and a lot of careful planning—the Revolutionary Army decided maybe it was time to give you all a little nudge in the right direction. Sergeant, if you would.”

  Takeshi stepped forward, phone in hand. “In the three hours since returning to Earth, we’ve made several technological advancements intended to benefit humanity. First, we removed control of information from corporations and governments and replaced all existing communications infrastructure with a decentralized system of our own.”

  He glanced around. “For the past several minutes, that’s what you’ve all been using.”

  Murmurs rippled through the hall.

  “And effective immediately,” Takeshi continued, “we’ve deployed a new form of cold-fusion power generation. Free. Globally available.”

  He stepped back. “Corporal.”

  Milo bounced up to the podium. “We’ve identified thirty-eight groups that posed an imminent threat to large civilian populations. All have been contained and are currently being held for processing by the relevant authorities.”

  He tilted his head. “Also, for Earth’s safety while everyone calms down, all nuclear-based weapons systems belonging to the major powers have been disarmed. They’ll stay that way until we decide it’s safe to return them. Captain’s discretion.”

  Caelan glanced sideways. “You good?”

  Aidan shook his head.

  Keira stepped forward. “RIGHT, YOU—”

  Caelan clamped a hand over her mouth. “Jesus, sis. I’ve got this.”

  Keira walked back, smug as hell. “Nailed it.”

  “I know this is a shock,” Caelan said, sighing. “And honestly, I don’t blame any of you for not believing a word of this at face value. I believe everyone, myself included, should be held accountable for how they treat their fellow humans.”

  He nodded at the screen. “Sergeant, bring it up.”

  Files flooded the display. Undeniably real. Completely uncensored.

  The room erupted into chaos.

  “This is an outrage!” someone screamed.

  Caelan blinked. “Wow. Denmark? Didn’t expect that one.” He shrugged. “What you’re seeing are the complete, unfiltered documents your nations kept buried. Free for everyone to read. Courtesy of my amazing Corporal Aidan Langston.”

  Caelan let the noise roll for a moment, then lifted a hand. “Right. Now, as you can all see,”

  He stopped. Almost every representative was either shouting, arguing, or already halfway out of their seat, phones pressed to their ears.

  “Where is security?!” someone screamed.

  Caelan sighed. “Well… that lasted longer than I expected. Master Sergeant, if you would.”

  Keira produced the roll of tape from behind her back, smiling far too brightly. “My pleasure, Captain.”

  The room went silent again.

  Each representative glanced around, realizing they were now firmly taped to their chairs.

  Keira strolled back toward the stage. “Thank god I bought the multipack.”

  Caelan clasped a hand to his chest. “My little hero.”

  She took her place, preening.

  “Right,” Caelan said, straightening. “Let’s get this tidied away then, since you lot clearly have a lot of… whatever the hell it is you all do around here.”

  He leaned casually against the podium. “To wrap this up, a quick message to all currently standing world leaders. At your earliest convenience, please check the top right drawer of your desk. You’ll find an invitation to a meeting at your pre-arranged time slot, along with the location of our soon-to-be-completed headquarters.”

  He smiled, but there was nothing friendly in it. “If you have questions, or if you’re frankly idiotic enough to try anything, feel free to approach us now.”

  Caelan paused.

  “It is our custom, as the Revolutionary Army, in times such as these, to recite our motto. But today, you’re getting a special variation.”

  He spoke clearly, evenly.

  “In peace, we build. In revolution, we stand. We are the Revolutionary Army.”

  He tilted his head, an uneasy grin tugging at his face, and lowered his voice into the mic.

  “Welcome to the revolution, fuckers.”