“Wahahahaha!” Ridley laughed menacingly as she looked at the arrow-shaped rune. The light was diffusing out of it after the attack.
She was set to return to school tomorrow as her suspension was ending, so she decided to take up Victius’ offer and learn about her runes. There was an old lion-themed grocery store a block from her apartment that had been out of business since she was a kid. She kicked in a graffitied plywood board covering a window. The window had been busted out already, and unsurprisingly, the inside was defaced with spray paint as well.
You never do see those beautiful spray paint murals from films in the real world.
“Thou dost perform with valour. Methinks this rune, forged from the stone giant’s might, drained when thou felled it. The magic tis gathering, slow to charge, requiring time ere power is renewed,” Victrius shared from the cover of her graphic novel.
“Sooooooo… that means… help me out here.”
“Loose but one shaft, then bide a day before you might again.”
“Oh man, you mean I can’t spam it?”
“I beest no man.”
“Noted. Now tell me about the awaken rune,” Ridley asked, bouncing on her toes with excitement.
“The Awaken Rune, too, must needs be charged, not by ambient power, but through experience stern and combat fierce. Thy character, boldly displayed, shall rouse mine own blood within thee, making thee more strong, more swift, and mentally prepared to face the horrors dire, that thou mayst slay all who obstruct thy path with righteous might.” As she spoke, Victrius gripped her spear tighter, and her eyes began to glow red.
“Art thou sufficient to fulfill mine quest?” she whispered through clenched teeth.
“Well then, I suppose I need to find some hurly-burly!”
“Bravely spoken, mine own disciple! Extend thy hand and muse in meditation.”
“Awesome, go go magical hand sonar!” Ridley said eagerly as she stretched out her hand.
“Yon be the Vegvísir.”
“Veggieserver?” Ridley asked, putting her hand down.
“Vegvísir, the wayfinder true. ‘Tis how I found my path unto thee, and thou to thy destined goal.”
Ridley did so eagerly. Closing her eyes, she concentrated on her rune. At first, she pictured a stone giant. After thinking for a second, it was unlikely more than one terrible nightmare of a playground existed in the world. She had killed a few Hell Rats near her apartment, cardboard monsters…
“What the heck am I supposed to muse about to find a monster to kill?”
“Seek out the peril, yon alien plague upon the earth, and muse upon the violent might it holds,” Victrius instructed in a steady, calm voice as Ridley listened intently. “Now stretch forth thy hand and close thine eyes anon. Meditate on what thou seek’st to find, and clasp it fast as energy doth gather, slow as fate decrees.”
Ridley did as instructed. As her mind drifted from the abandoned grocery store to the city around her, she waited. She was in a state of complete concentration—for two minutes.
“Oh my goodness, how long is this going to take!?”
“It taketh time as long as needs must be,” Victrius said, rolling her eyes.
“I’m gonna be old and wrinkly before I find more monsters and treasure at this rate! Maybe even dead and talking to my ancestors!”
“Thou art most impatient for a scion of mine—were thou not switched enough in girlhood’s tender years?”
“Oh snap, don’t make me come over there and draw a mustache on your face!”
Ridley, after being scolded a few times, gave in and tried again.
Ridley’s magical hand sonar led her a block away to a Seven-Eleven. The entry was roped off with yellow tape and a small sign that said, “Sorry for the inconvenience, temporarily closed due to sewer main break,” followed by a much bigger handwritten sign on a piece of cardboard box that read, “Pay at the pump still available.”
The door was locked, but seeing as Ridley was able to easily push the door open, she felt it was their own fault for not making it clear that they were closed. Stepping through the tape, she smelled something horrid.
Sounds came from near the back, a sloshing noise that made Ridley’s stomach turn.
“Please don’t be a poo monster, please don’t be a poo monster,” Ridley whispered.
^
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
New Quest!
Dirty Jobs:
The filth of the city has attracted a monster! Clean up after society’s mess.
Objective: Slay or subdue the poo monster
Quest rewards:
-700 xp
-8 silver
“Nooo! I quit,” Ridley said, marching out of the store.
“Be not a babe in swaddling cloth, I charge thee,” Victrius admonished from the backpack.
“It’s a poo monster, and $200 ain’t gonna cut it for that level of mess. Plus, I fight with my hands!” Ridley said, showing her hands while wiggling her fingers.
“Thou wilt perform this deed, mine child.”
“No, I don’t think I will, and I’d like to see your ink blob of an ass make me!”
^
Would you like to renounce your title?
Disciple of the Rune Warden
“Oh, come on!”
“No disciple sworn to me shall flee from hands besmirched. Pray, ponder well thy course.”
“What?”
“Think!”
“AHhhggg,” Ridley shouted, stomping around in a circle. “Fine!”
“The rage doth not serve thee best, forsooth—a battle may be won by blood profuse, or else by siege, through famine’s patient grasp.”
“So I have to smart-person my way through this fight?” Ridley whined.
“Even so.”
Ridley started in the obvious place: get a visual on the monster. The space it was in was pretty small, likely a closet where the unsightly guts of a store sat next to the bathrooms. Squishy sounds were easily heard as she changed her angle, passing store shelves on the opposite side of the store. Creeping up to get a good angle, she could see a slimy pile that—like a fondue fountain—flowed over itself from the top.
It was about four feet tall, and she guessed it flowed out to about ten feet wide. She couldn’t tell if it was hunched over or not. She could barely make out what looked like tusks from the side of a toothless mouth. It reminded her of a slimy belch monster she fought in a Super Nintendo game.
“Let me behold it now,” Victrius commanded from her backpack.
Ridley slid her out and pointed in the monster’s direction.
“I have known this beast aforetime—‘tis no poo monster, but a Gore Wight is it named, drawn to the waste of mortal men.”
“So… a poo monster.”
“Thou might as well proclaim it Blood Monster.”
“It’s not eating blood; it is distinctly eating poo from a sewer pipe. Your argument is invalid.”
Ridley backed up slowly and got to work on a plan. A very pyromaniac kind of plan.
First, she grabbed a bucket and dumped everything that looked flammable into it: a few bottles of something called “Fuel Injection Cleaner,” rubbing alcohol, and hand sanitizer. She mixed it together by swirling it around and grabbed Rorschach’s special.
For safety equipment, she put cleaning gloves over her Juggernaut’s gloves and some safety goggles she found to keep poo out of her eyes.
She was set.
“Are you sure it’s vulnerable to fire?”
“Yea, many a man hath set the flame to a Gore Wight’s hide.”
“Well then, let’s do this.”
Ridley stood upright with bucket in hand. Ambushing the monster was a breeze, as its full attention was on eating the sewage from the pipe. It didn’t even turn to face Ridley as she marched up to it, throwing the bucket’s contents on the monster’s back.
The majority of the flammable fluids landed on the monster. As it finally turned in her direction, she saw the liquids were quickly absorbed. Ridley hoped it was enough as she pulled out hairspray and a lighter.
The monster sloshed toward her faster than she was expecting—causing her to jog backward behind the hot dog machine.
Setting her feet, she reached out and sparked the lighter, but the lighter didn’t ignite.
“Oh shit! Stupid cheap Bic!”
She pulled it back closer to her face and struck the lighter again and again as the monster quickly turned the corner. Finally, the lighter caught, and she held it up, spraying it with the hairspray, making a makeshift flamethrower.
The monster stopped in place and let out a screech that sent little pieces of sewage right in her face. In revenge, she shoved the flame right in its throat, causing the Gore Wight to back away from her.
She was able to just make out a thin blue flame on the top of the monster’s—head body place.
She backed away for a second, keeping her hairspray at the ready. The monster’s squeal continued, throwing sewage splatters in every direction. Ridley felt sorry for whatever minimum-wage employee would be forced to clean this all up.
Watching the monster scramble about the store, she noticed it was getting bigger.
“I thought you said fire would kill it.”
“It shall suffice. Wherefore dost thou ask?”
“It’s getting bigger.”
“‘Tis well, the scheme doth work as we devise.”
Ridley changed position to keep a closer eye on it.
“Wait, it’s not bigger, it’s puffier. Is it going to…”
Just before Ridley could finish her thought, she watched the Poo Monster shuffle down her aisle and expand like a balloon before an ear-bursting pop hit the room. The slimy contents of the monster rained down, leaving not a single clean surface in the room.
Ridley stood frozen. Her front was covered in sewage-drenched goo. It was in her nose, dripping down onto her lips. She stayed perfectly still.
“I quit. Bring up that prompt again. I’d like to renounce my titl… yurrrgh!” Ridley hurled on the floor.
^
Quest Complete!
Dirty Jobs:
The filth of the city has attracted a monster! Clean up after society’s mess.
Objective: Slay or subdue the poo monster
Quest rewards:
-700 xp
-8 silver
Congratulations, you are now level 5!
“Y—MCA, jump in the pool with poo on, Y—MCA-A.”
Ridley found a Seven-Eleven staff shirt and a roll of paper towels from the utility closet. Along with some industrial-strength cleaner that was definitely not meant for human skin, she ran to the neighborhood YMCA. She learned how to swim on their scholarship when she was in junior high. As thanks for their charity and dedication to the community, she fouled up their pool.
As she did her best to bathe, she asked, “So, Victrius.”
“Mmm?”
“You have seen similar methods used on those monsters before, correct?”
“Aye.”
“Did all of the poo monsters explode?”
“O, verily, all men hath spoke of blood and gore exploded wide across the land’s expanse.”
“Any chance you could have informed me beforehand?”
“Certainly, mine child. I could have wrought it thus to your ears.”
Ridley twirled her Sharpie in her hand before popping the lid off.
“That’s it, mustache time.”
