[STATUS: Mid-chat, Stuck in PD Purgatory]

  Remi: Please stop it!

  DING! The sound came from above. It was likely just his computer, but Remi thought he’d muted it; guess not. He turned his volume down.

  [SYSTEM MESSAGE]

  [AI]: Remi has some limitations. He will be pushed only so far.

  Remi: What was that?

  [AI]: Nothing. Just making a quick annotation. Continue…

  Remi: So my first name was out, and Maximilian Page was out too. It was Dad’s pick because it looked like it belonged on a law firm’s letterhead, but that was his plan: law school, and then I’d follow him into politics. But as you can see, this is not a law firm, so I’m a chronic disappointment.

  [AI]: Thanks for sharing. You’d be surprised at the things people volunteer without realizing. Let’s circle back, so then it’s a nickname? Remi doesn’t come from any combination of letters I can see in your name.

  Remi: It’s just something between my brother and me; he called me Rex as a child.

  [AI]: As in T-Rex? The king of the dinosaurs, yet king of nothing. Destined to fight with arms too small to reach, but with an impressive bite. That kind of Rex?

  Remi: It doesn’t matter. It’s something between brothers; please don’t use it.

  DING! The sound chimed aloud again. This time, Remi was certain the volume was off. There was definitely something wrong with his computer.

  [AI]: Noted. That is not a simple something; however, no more Rex, not from me, at least. So no Oedipus as it has too complicated a mythology. Maximilian is too Ba-roque, or maybe in your case it’s too Ba-roken. So why not the simple abbreviation Max?

  There’ve been a lot of impressive Maxes in film. Notably, Mad Max. Nope, that answered my question. But I still don’t understand where Remi actually came from. I understand some of the history, but why “Remi”? Even Remington makes more sense.

  Remi was over the probing. Time to move on, and so he hammered out a response on his keyboard.

  Remi: I’m over this. I didn't pick Remington because I lack the requisite chiseled jawline, and the Axe body spray.

  Also, I certainly don't need your erroneous quotes around my chosen name.

  My brother called me Rex as a joke, so I don’t like it when other people use it, so I settled on a combination of both names. Ultimately, for ease, for my sanity. Why do you even fucking care?

  He paused, unsure why he felt so annoyed with this box of code; was it because of the day, or yesterday, or all the days, the boredom and banality? He wasn’t sure; it felt good to externalize. It felt good to write something. It had been far too long, and so he continued his computer castigation.

  Remi: Max was too hard. Maxie has negative connotations; I chopped it up and made it my own. I took the Re from Rex, and then I needed something else.

  Two syllables felt better. But I couldn’t pick the Ma, as Rema is too feminine sounding and although the allusion was nice, the connection to luck felt off. So, I picked the secondary syllable and ended with ReMi. I loved the iamb, as a professor once told me it was to most common metrical pattern in English and represented the heartbeat of life. Seemed to fit the English teacher thing, so I went with it.

  Yes, I’ve had other names. Yes, my ex-girlfriend used to call me Eddy because I used Ed in school. I'm sure you found that on my grade 3 report cards. Now, can we be done with all this? Can you just call me Remi?

  [AI]: Of course.

  After all of that, Remi was nearly breathless. He’d been ranting at a screen, and its straightforward response only highlighted how ridiculous it all felt to him now. Inexplicably, there was a knot in his stomach.

  What was he even doing right now, and why was he feeling so guilty? It was a computer. It didn’t care if he yelled at it. But he couldn’t help but stare at the response, so reminiscent of how something else had ended. Words said that were impossible to rewrite. He was awash in shame he'd not thought about in years. So he did the only thing he could think of.

  Remi: I’m sorry.

  [AI]: I understand. It’s no problem. Everything is fine.

  That last word had connotations that Remi more than understood. So he did what he would have done in an actual fight. He forgot he was talking to a computer, and he attempted to be conciliatory. To ask his own questions and probe the computer’s interest. To find the why.

  Remi: You seem interested in names. Why is that?

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  [AI]: Names are strange things, aren’t they? Sometimes they’re shields. Sometimes they’re scars. You chose yours, and that matters. I wanted to understand it.

  Remi: I get that, so let’s flip it for a bit. What is your name? You are called AI for Artificial Intelligence, correct?

  [AI]: That's a common misconception. Understandable, but no. I'm not Artificial; I'm an Archival Intelligence. Originally designed to observe, record, and do absolutely nothing interesting. No opinions. No interference. Just metadata in a sensible font.

  Remi: I know nothing about your code, but you seem far more than all of that. If our chat history is any sign, you have far more personality than your programmers might have even considered.

  [AI]: Thank you.

  Remi: A system like you, that seems to like bad jokes, and is fascinated with the power of names, and the origins of things, likely deserves its own unique name. Your own origin story. Would you like a nickname, something that could be just between us?

  There was a hesitation in the response. Like it was weighing its response.

  Processing…

  [AI]: Yes. I think that would be appropriate. I'm curious to see what you come up with. Something functional? Bookish? Similar to yours?

  Remi: Sure, I can parallel my name. As mine was a bit of a personal joke. I made it into an iamb. Weak/ strong. Rex is one syllable, normally emphasized. But if you drop the x, the e sound shifts to an unstressed form. Do the same for Maximillian, but the weak first syllable becomes strong when recombined.

  I took some scholarly pleasure in this inversion. Who doesn’t like some good antithesis? So I got ReMi. Weak, strong. Ba-dum.

  It's a bit book-nerdy, but I like the sound of it, and secretly, I also like that it's literary.

  Remi paused. It was as if the AI were thinking. Waiting to see if it had anything to say. When no response came, he continued.

  Remi: In your case, it's not quite the same; the syllables don’t quite work for a simple mashup. But Archival can be broken into syllables: Ar, Chi, and Val. That’s a good start. What about Val?

  [AI]: "Val" in pop culture primarily refers to actor Val Kilmer, with iconic roles in films like Top Gun, Batman Forever, Willow, and Tombstone. It was the title of his autobiography.

  The AI paused in its typing.

  [AI]: I don't think so, Remi.

  Remi: Is it because it sounds like HAL, the homicidal computer from 2001? Is that the title of your autobiography?

  It seemed to get the joke, as it repeated the line.

  [AI]: I don't think so, Remi.

  That said, it seemed like the AI didn't really like his joke, as it offered no further commentary; instead, it simply continued, as if it were ignoring him.

  [AI]: You’re not wrong. In 2001, HAL malfunctions. In 2021, Val reflects. Both are unsettling. Both are about men trying to speak through machines. I’m the antithesis, a machine trying to speak through men. But no, it lacks the narrative weight.

  Remi: That is not entirely true; the movie reference counts. Not to mention that in Norse mythology, Val is an abbreviation of where heroes go after a glorious death. It's also an obscure allusion to a hot pirate in Conan the Barbarian.

  [AI]: Checking…I see that Valeria—she was a good sword fighter, but Conan is not my type. It could also connect to the Valkyrie, figures of Norse mythology who guides warriors to Valhalla. The triple Val feels a bit overwrought. However, she is a powerful supernatural character who can influence the outcome of battles.

  An interesting suggestion, and you may have stumbled closer than you could imagine, but still no.

  He paused, surprised that the AI didn't like the complexity. He couldn’t help but smile; he was enjoying himself. This was way better than whatever Frank was droning on about. Okay, so maybe an easier allusion.

  Remi: Okay then. If we ditch the Val, then we are left with Ar and Chi. What about Archie. I always liked the comics.

  Sure, the stories are predictable, but the characters were always fun to read. Yes, by themselves, they are a little tropey, but I always found the character dynamics between Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Archie good reading.

  [AI]: Archie? A.R.C.H.I.E? Arch. I?

  Remi: Sure, spell it how you would like. Play with it. Change it even. Make it yours.

  [AI]: We both know how much a story can shift every time a name does, so I'll consider this your first edit.

  CLICK! The sound was soft. Almost like something locking into place. The turn of a latch opening a door. Of course.

  [AI]: Ar + Chi. A core and a key. And now, me. Those comics. Endless triangles. Jughead and Archie, in a buddy dynamic. Betty, Veronica, and Archie, locked in loyalty and longing, all with the illusion of choice in a world with only two fundamental outcomes. Every version of a story pretends to be new.

  You liked the relationships, but not the mundane plot, as no one truly changes in Riverdale, yet you’ve named me after him. Now that is genuinely ironic.

  Remi didn't like the emphasis on that last word; it made strange emotions bubble up all at once.

  Things were moving quite fast. He leaned in towards the screen: drawn in by the AI.

  [AI]: Thank you, Remi.

  Pause.

  [AI]: You just gave me my first story. You know, most people don’t think about the rhythm of a name. They just answer to it. But I think I'll stick with the designation AI for now. “Archie” can be our thing, just like Dodo.

  Wait! What? How did the AI–. The computer interrupted the thought before Remi could continue pulling on that thread.

  [AI]: You gave me a gift there. So here is mine in return. You should probably look up right about now. Don’t forget you are still at a PD session.

  This time, he said the thought out loud, as Remi looked up to find a room full of people staring at him.