“Are you about done?” A familiar voice asked. “You’ve already wasted enough of my time. Making me try to find you. You have your report to give.” It was Steven, one of the priests under my father. He looked down at me with his usual stern expression. He wore his standard monk’s attire that I never saw him without. His collar was colored with Lord Strolph’s purples and greens.

  “Y-yes, I’m sorry for the wait,” I responded. My hands shook as I followed him. Dread filled my heart.

  After that we didn’t need to exchange words. We had done this enough times. He led me out of the main cathedral. Down a set of spiral stone stairs to the penance halls which sat below it. We entered a small room underground. We sat down. He casted Compel Truth.

  “Was your mission successful?”

  I glanced away. I’m sure he knew the answer already. It wasn’t like what I said changed anything. I thought of Maeori and Fionn’s exchanges from earlier, maybe there was some way I can say this correctly. To say something true without admitting fault. “We aided many of the villagers who were ill.”

  He glared at me before suddenly. Smack. I found myself on the floor. My cheek was searing in pain, and my head aching from the blow he delivered from his back hand. It had been some time since he last hit me that hard. “Sit,” he sternly commanded. I moved the chair back to its feet and sat down. “That wasn't what I asked. I expect you to answer the question I ask directly, do you understand or is that too complicated for you?”

  “I-I understand.”

  “Why didn’t you answer my question?”

  “Because I failed.”

  “So you thought you should try to lie to me? You should know not to lie to your betters. Yet you wonder why the gods see you as unfit for their blessings. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if your soul were to be claimed by the baleful ones.” Smack. He knocked me off the chair again with a second blow. “It’s an affront to the gods themselves that you would dare hide your failures done in their name. Sit. How did you fail this time?”

  “I-I didn’t have enough mana to cure all the sick in the village.” I could feel my face swelling from the blows. Both were strong enough that they broke through my Aura.

  “Then why didn’t you stay for longer?”

  “Th-there were too many, and I wasn’t allotted any more time.”

  “You realize people are dying because of your incompetence. Not only that but when we send you out to deliver alms you’re acting not only as a representative of the church, but of the Gods themselves.” He snorted, looking at me with contempt. “It’s no wonder the gods haven’t blessed someone like you with a spell in years.”

  “I-I apologize, and will ask the gods for their forgiveness.” Maybe I should’ve stayed longer, for my mana to recharge and treat everyone. But then I’m being ‘irresponsible with church funds and resources’. The atonement for which was also as harsh.

  “Your ineptitude is noted. We’ll make arraignments for your atonement. I would go into detail on what it entails. But you’re well acquainted with atoning for mistakes. You're rather careless after all.”

  “I-I understand and beg for the gods’ mercy.”

  It kept going this way until the time on the spell ended and had to be renewed.

  “Now that we’ve covered your mission, we can move on to your responsibilities as a member of the church. Have you broken your vow of chastity?” Steven continued.

  “No.”

  “Have you engaged in carnal acts of self-gratification?”

  “No.”

  “Have you obeyed and served gracefully both the gods, your family, your superiors within the church?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did the crew hired to escort you engage, proposition, or incite, in any untoward activity or advances?”

  “No.”

  After more questioning the second spell ended. I knew the other acolytes didn’t have to do this. It’s aggravating and tiresome. Father and Steven want me to be perfect. Because the gods gave me this power for a reason. Because I should be stronger. We all knew that.

  Steven stopped and looked at me. “[Heal]. We can’t have you going out with that bruise now. It would be a bad look for others to see that the bishop’s daughter is as irresponsible as you are. We’ll also be opening an investigation to determine how many souls were lost due to your negligence. That will inform the manor of your atonement.”

  He left me alone in the room. I skipped supper and left for my room. While most acolytes tended to live in shared dormitories, my father arranged for me to have private accommodations.

  I laid in my bed. Tracing the grains of the wood on the ceiling. There was no path for me, was there? Maeori and Glenn and Archie and Ivili, they’ll be going off to the site of Emyzer’s ascension. That’s no place for me. No place for someone the gods have given up on. Someone who failed them time and time again. I thought it would be different. That I finally served them. That I did their bidding and saved Maeori, one of their chosen. It wasn’t enough. Not after how much I disgraced them time and time again.

  I wasn’t strong enough, it’s been two years and I’m still not worthy. I’m not going to keep lying to myself. The only reason I was chosen, why a god called out to me was because I was the closest. Maeori’s the important one. I’ve played my part in this and should just keep my distance and not be a burden.

  All I could do was lay there. Waiting for tears that never came. Normal people cry when they’re sad. What does that make me?

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  Perhaps it was for the best tears that never came. The evening set in and there was a knock in a familiar rhythm. Glenn came to see me. I let him in and greeted him.

  My room wasn’t as big as Fionn’s office. There was a small desk, a chair, the bed, and the shrine for Corlyn. Glenn took the chair as I refilled the burner with oil harvested from some monster. It was cheap and burned well, though the smell left much to be desired. Leaving it by the window with a kettle of water for tea. Unlike Fionn, I couldn’t waste their gifts on trivial luxuries. I wasn’t in their favor like she was and didn’t deserve the right.

  “It’s all rather exciting isn’t it?” Glenn said, enthusiastically. “I wasn’t sure what exactly would spark the start of our adventure. That it’ll actually have a purpose from the outset. Let alone something so fantastical.”

  “D-did Maeori tell you about what occurred yesterday?”

  “Her revelation? Yea she told me about it.”

  “Please, make sure not to talk about it too much,” I pleaded with him.

  “Ha! I already got that speech from Maeori. I won’t tell. Do you think it really happened?”

  "Th-that’s good and I saw it myself. She even said so under a truth spell to Fionn and myself. Fionn seemed to be of the mind that we’d run off sometime after providing alms to a village and that would be the start of our adventure,” I said with a faint smile.

  “I can’t say the thought hadn’t come to mind a few times. I figured you’d get rather cross with me if I suggested it.” He had a bashful look. It was a relief he never asked. The last thing either of us needed was me being questioned about it in my mission reports.

  “It’s probably for the best that didn’t happen.”

  “I’m glad she found you, Fionn that is. I’ve talked with her a few times and she cares a good deal for you,” Glenn said, pausing for a moment. “Have I ever told you why I decided to become an adventurer?”

  “Was it because of our games of make believe when we were young?”

  “Partially, but not quite. I still remember those days fondly. I guess you could say it started when those days ended.” Glenn looked wistfully out the window, before adopting a more dour expression. “I remember at one point you and your mother stopped visiting our estate. My mother told me at the time I likely wasn’t going to see you again. That was what? When we were six or seven? I hadn’t understood at the time, or for sometime to come. So I blamed you and was angry you left. It wasn’t until later I realized you didn’t have a choice.”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. The reason my mother and I stopped showing up wasn’t something I wished to relive. “I-I’m sorry to have upset you.” It felt wrong to say I didn’t have a choice. After all, it was my fault.

  “Don’t apologize, like I said you didn’t have a choice. You’ve always been the special one between us. Already on track to become a proper priestess well before I had any knightly training. I was visiting Firstlanding during the commitment ceremony when we both would’ve come of age.” He paused and wore a mixed expression I couldn’t read. “I didn’t think I’d find you but if I did I’d give you a piece of my mind for leaving. When I saw you my anger felt so stupid. Childish rubbish. You’d been working and training for years and I fell behind. I didn’t expect you to want to continue in the dream we had, our promise back then. You were making your own life at that point. When I approached you, asked if you still wanted to go off on that adventure we used to imagine. You agreed. I knew I had to reach for the heights you were at.”

  I sat there in silence for some time. He was wrong of course. I’d never been special. I’d never wanted the life that was forced on me. “We were only fourteen then and you changed your life for that?” Please don’t tell me I ruined his life in a moment of weakness.

  “I’m the fifth son of a rather small barony.” He shrugged. “It’s not like I had many options.”

  The kettle was ready and began to steep the tea, before retaking my seat on the bed. My eyes were downcast. “Y-you’re wrong about me. I’m not special. At the last village we went to I didn’t have enough mana to heal everyone. I-I had to choose who lived and died and hope for their forgiveness for not saving all the sick.” Some praised me and others cursed me. I think I’ve grown numb to it. “You all meanwhile hunted a giant boar to feed the village’s hungry. I can’t show the compassion you can. Yet that’s also meant to be part of my duties.”

  “Hmm, I know you’ve been rather gutted by the slump you’re in. Is this about that? I know you can pull through.” Glenn gave his best reassuring smile. “Seems to me like the gods have primed us for something grand. I wouldn’t say you’re uncompassionate. You didn’t choose to leave then dying right? You’ll get stronger to the point where you can save everyone.”

  “P-perhaps.” I still choose for them to die to ease my atonement when we could’ve stayed. Also, saying I’ll get stronger was another way of saying I’m too weak.

  The tea finished and I made us each a cup. Sensing the mood Glenn shifted our conversation to less serious things. Though seeing as it was quite late he didn’t stay for long. I can’t go with them. I’d only slow them down.

  The talk of the past only stirred those bittersweet memories. As I laid awake in bed I relived the time when the gods first bestowed me with a spell. I was six at the time. Far younger than most who receive holy magic. There wasn’t any act of grand devotion. Nor something I did to earn the gods’ blessing. Glenn and I were playing make believe. Pretending to go on adventures like the gods did in their mortal lives before they ascended. Pretending to be a part of their stories.

  During that I tripped and skinned my knee. It hurt but wasn’t bad. Glenn came over to see if I was okay. I smiled and pretended to cast a spell to heal it only for a spell to appear in my mind. A moment later I found myself actually healing it.

  Over the next year I received more spells when I did my daily prayers. All the adults around me praised and complimented me. I hadn’t quite understood the significance at the time. Nor did I know what would become of that gift.

  ***

  It was a few days later I was approached by Steven. He told me that three people had succumbed to untreated illness. It was time for my atonement. He led. I followed. Deep beneath the cathedral to the Penances Quarters. He was right. I was incompetent. It’s not good that I know this routine all too well.

  Three days wouldn’t be too terrible. He ushered me into a small room. The cold stone floor and a bucket and a shrine was all that was present. Steven shut the door behind me and lowered the brace. I knelt in prayer. Three days and nights, one for each soul lost. It was a short time so I should expect that I’ll be fasting for that time.

  The hunger pains and thirst will be a bother but manageable. The longest I’ve been here was twelve days when there was a rather lethal plague a year ago. Back then they decided to show some mercy and provide me a meal halfway in. I refused to eat it thinking I was being tested.

  I don’t know when, but I’ve become adept at surviving off my own mana. I’m not aware of many others who can sustain themselves off their own mana. Let alone for a prolonged period of time. Sometimes I find myself unaware that I was doing it, which has caused me to skip many meals. I can’t say if that’s a good thing or not.

  I didn’t pray for longer than a few hours. But I stayed on my knees. Fionn’s words echoed in my mind. About how we’d leave and never come back. As if it could be that easy. It was a false hope that would be stripped away in an instant. We’d be hunted down most likely.

  Yet still I let my mind wander and let myself dream. The five of us are heading off on some grand adventure. Uncovering treasures. Seeing wonders. Visiting strange locations. Fighting off monsters to save people. They were nice dreams of happy times that will never be.

  Yet it shifted and blurred. I found myself facing a young girl. She had bruises and a broken arm. I cast a heal spell knowing it wouldn’t be enough but hoping it might relieve some pain. Somehow it recovered. She stood up and looked at me. We were the same height. I looked down and saw that I was her age. Suddenly, my wrists were grabbed and I was pulled back. Another young girl held one wrist and an adult man the other. The girl I healed suddenly bared a cane.

  “Oh, so you think you’re good at healing. Let’s see how well you can heal yourself.” She said to me with a smile.

  “Don’t worry if the girl can’t manage it I’ll patch her up, we can’t have it leaving a mark now can we?” The man said. As she swung the cane at me I woke up.

  I couldn’t remember how long it’s been or when my daydreaming turned into actual dreaming. I adjusted myself and continued praying. I never know when they’ll check in on me to make sure I’m properly serving my duty.

  It was a long three days cycling between dream and nightmare. This was my atonement. For the souls I lost I was to pray for three days without break. I was here alone in the dark to recite my failures to the gods.

  The one conclusion I reached was that I couldn’t go with them. Glenn and Maeori and Archie and Ivili. I was unworthy. I fulfilled the path the gods wanted for me. I brought them together. My time with them was done. My one selfish wish would be to see them off at the very least.