I woke up on the ground.

  Again.

  Groaning, I pushed myself up on shaky arms. My whole body felt like it had been through two hangovers at once, the pounding headache and sour gut combining into something miserable.

  There were sounds in the background. Not birds or wind or water. This was different. It sounded almost like a dead sports bar, the faint hum of TVs still running but no one watching.

  I frowned and pressed my palms to the floor. Cold. Smooth. Metallic. Not dirt, not stone, not forest.

  What the hell?

  Blinking rapidly, I tried to clear my vision. The shapes around me sharpened into something surreal. I was indoors. Not just indoors, but somewhere mechanical, sterile, humming with quiet energy. The air smelled faintly like ozone and hot plastic. Somewhere in the distance, voices argued while machines whirred and clicked in steady rhythms.

  As my sight adjusted, the scale of the place hit me. This was not a room. This was an auditorium. Rows and rows of computer stations stretched out before me, like something from those old movies about NASA’s mission control. Only these weren’t bulky plastic computers. They were transparent and glasslike, with flashing lights pulsing across their surfaces. Designed for people to sit at, yet none of them were occupied.

  Except one.

  I was standing on a raised platform at the very front of the room, itself on some sort of stage. The surface beneath me was a square metal plate, about the size of a king bed. Behind me, a giant screen loomed several stories high. It displayed a map, stylized like a fantasy atlas. Green hills, yellow plains, deep blue oceans. Mountains rose in little drawn ridges, labels marked cities in curling handwritten script. Sea monsters and dragons decorated the edges. It looked like Google Maps had been hacked by a Dungeon Master with too much free time.

  I tore my gaze from the map and focused on the voices at the only station that was active. Two figures stood there.

  The one standing waved his hands wildly, gesturing as he talked. My brain stalled for a second as I processed him. He looked like someone had built a man out of every bad leather fetish cliché imaginable. Long brown hair. Tan skin. Body hair at an Italian level. A leather vest and tight pants covered in random dangling chains.

  Holes cut into the vest deliberately exposing his nipples.

  They were bright pink. And pierced.

  He was ridiculous, like a rockstar wearing his onstage outfit.

  Sitting in front of him was the opposite. The man at the console wore a stretched hoodie with some unreadable logo, baggy khaki shorts, and no shoes. His long greasy hair fell into his face, and his attempt at a beard looked more like week-old stubble left to rot. He pressed his glasses against his forehead and pinched the bridge of his nose, looking like a person barely holding onto their patience while the leather man ranted above him.

  The leather man’s voice thundered. “I still say we should just kill him.”

  I froze, heart sinking.

  Yep. Not a fan of this conversation already.

  The hoodie guy sighed and muttered, “You know exactly that we can’t.”

  “Yeah, but can’t we just go around this once? I have things to do,” the leather man grumbled, paused, then flicked one of his dangling chains for emphasis.

  The hoodie guy did not even flinch. He muttered in the same flat tone, “Yes, yes. You mean you have people to do.”

  The leather man snorted, clearly pleased with himself, and waved a hand like he was dismissing a servant. “Whatever, Vyn’kai. Let us just skip the boring parts and bend protocol, and be done with it.”

  The man in the hoodie, who was apparently named Vyn’kai, dropped his hand from his forehead and slid his glasses back into place. His tone was quiet but sharp, the sound of someone who had run out of patience years ago. “First Byto, do not joke about breaking protocol. We have already had three triggered violations on this host’s account because of resonance spikes. If an auditor combs through the logs, those go straight to the top of the list, and everything is invalidated.”

  Byto, the leather jackass scoffed loudly, trying to interrupt, but Vyn’kai raised his voice just enough to cut him off. “Second, we cannot just arrange for him to die in some staged accident. If anyone audits the records, it will be obvious tampering. Again, voided results.”

  Byto rolled his eyes so hard I thought they might detach. He opened his mouth with a drawn-out “Still—”

  “Third,” Vyn’kai said, snapping the word like a tired schoolteacher, “this is your mess and I am helping you clean it. This is your personal class, your oversight, and your failed design. If you cause an audit error, the others will blame you, not me.”

  Byto shifted, pouting like a sulky child. His exposed nipples gleamed under the room’s lights as he puffed up his chest while crossing his arms. “Still—”

  “And finally,” Vyn’kai said with finality, “I am not asking you to do actual work. I already found the solution. All I need is your password so to patch the [Bard]’s mesh error and stop this before it grows into a bigger problem.”

  Byto’s eyes flicked toward me on the stage. For a second our gazes locked. I gave a weak little wave and said, “Hi, uh—”

  He turned away instantly, ignoring me like I was gum stuck to his boot. “[Bard]s,” he muttered with open disgust. “Always trouble.”

  Hoodie sighed, tapping something on his glass console. “Not really. Its only been a 0.06% issue rate, which is irritating but it does not even make you the worst. You simply complain louder than the others.”

  Byto unfolded his arms, lips curling into a sneer. “Still, I do not get it. A mesh sync error? Zero percent? That makes no sense at all.”

  Vyn’kai pinched the bridge of his nose again. “We have been through this. The original design assumed the hosts would align to certain frameworks. His fell outside of that expected range.”

  Byto waved him off with a grin. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you, professor. But this is tied to the [Adonis Body] template, right? That should be meshing with his Eros-lattice. How can that read as zero percent? Everyone has something in there.”

  The hoodie guy, Vyn’kai, turned back to his console and began typing, long fingers flying across the glasslike surface. His expression was flat, all weary focus, as though he had already forgotten Byto’s theatrics.

  I took the opportunity to step forward. The second I reached the edge of the metal plate, my palms smacked into something solid and invisible. A shimmer of light rippled where I touched. A force field, of course. A cage inside a control room.

  Yay.

  Vyn’kai finally stopped typing, his tired voice cutting through the silence as he gestured. “Look, it really is zero percent. His Eros Lattice is non-existent.”

  Byto’s reviewed the screen then his head snapped up. “Are you fucking kidding me?” His eyes bulged, his pierced nipples bounced with the motion, and he jabbed a finger toward me. “Look at him. He’s plain, sure - and only mediocrely handsome at best, but there has to be some level of horny buried in there.”

  Ouch. Pretty sure I was supposed to take that personally.

  Vyn’kai barely shrugged. “No. It’s at zero. Look here.” He pointed at the glowing readout on his screen.

  Byto scowled. “There’s no way. The system must be wrong. Everyone loves to get their dick wet.”

  Okay, what the heck is up with this guy? Is he a real person? Who says that?

  Vyn’kai’s voice was calm, clinical. “No. With the readings from the import of the entanglement for the soul-lattice there’s no possibility for error. These readings are correct.”

  Byto paused for a second before his face split into a grin. “Fine. I’ll prove you wrong. I’m calling her.”

  Vyn’kai groaned, his palm dragging down his face. “Oh damn it, please no.”

  “Yes,” Byto purred loudly, far too energized now. He pressed two fingers to his temple like a stage magician. His eyes rolled back for a moment, then snapped open. “All right. She’s coming. Watch this.” He gestured toward me with the same smug pride of a man presenting his prized bull at auction.

  Five seconds later, the door at the back of the auditorium opened.

  Light poured in, a blinding white rectangle. A silhouette stood framed in the glow, then stepped forward.

  At first glance, it was a woman.

  At second glance, it was a nightmare.

  She was barely five feet tall, yet shaped like some adolescent doodled anime fever dream. Her breasts were enormous several times the size of her head, ballooning outward in impossible arcs, while her hips and rear swelled so wide it was a miracle her spine with her way to skinny torso had not snapped. She somehow moved normally but with every step, physics cried for mercy. Her chest bounced violently, her ass swayed like a wrecking ball on a pendulum, and yet somehow she glided forward without toppling over. It was obscene, uncanny, and hypnotic all at once.

  If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  The closest comparison I could find was a pair of water balloons stuffed with jello, wedged into a beanbag chair, then set on springs. Every movement carried a ripple effect that made my stomach churn.

  She had long blonde hair that shimmered unnaturally, eyes the kind of bright blue you only ever saw in bad CGI, and lips so swollen and puckered they literally jutted six inches from her face like inflatable pool toys. She wore what most would call a blue bikini with a silver trim. Most of the outfits connecting straps hung in mid air due to her ridiculous proportions.

  It was a cartoon come to life. A parody of a woman. And as she stepped into the room, the two at the console seemed to tilt toward her.

  She minced her way from the back of the room toward the others, her body jiggling and swaying in ways that defied both physics and common sense. Byto’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning, while Vyn’kai only grunted a greeting and rubbed at his temples.

  “Well hellooo, booooys,” she cooed in a syrupy, sultry drawl, dragging the word out until it felt like it was trying to seduce the air itself. “I heard youuu needed me for… something?” She tilted her head so far to the side it looked like her neck should have snapped.

  Byto grinned and gestured toward me in my force-field box. “We do need you, you hot little minx to prove nerd boy here is wrong. Go ahead and just work your magic on this [Bard] up there.”

  She beamed, her lips puckering out like an inflatable raft as she purred, “Ooooh, magic. Boys just looove my magic.” With a bounce, she extended one spindly leg higher than should have been possible, planted it on the stage, and somehow pulled the rest of her body up in a motion that made her breasts ripple like gelatin.

  She sauntered toward me, each step accompanied by the grotesque bounce of her chest and rear. Her eyelashes, absurdly long, fluttered so hard they stirred the air like butterfly wings. She leaned in close to the field, her massive lips pursed, and cooed, “Well hellooo there, gorgeous, gorgeous man.”

  My jaw was open, I was speechless watching this.

  Behind her, Byto practically squealed with delight. He grabbed Vyn’kai by the hoodie and shook him. “See? Look at him! The [Bard] is totally entranced by Jora! He cannot take his eyes off her!”

  I was staring, sure, but not for the reason Byto thought. My brain was too busy trying to reconcile how her skeleton had not collapsed under the weight of her anatomy.

  “I… I don’t think she’s okay,” I blurted loudly.

  Her painted smile faltered. “Whaaat?” she squeaked, her voice suddenly sharp.

  “Are you okay?” I asked again, panic and honesty spilling out at once. “Your body— it looks…wrong. Did you have surgeries? How are you even standing? Is someone forcing you to be like this?”

  Her lips trembled. “Whaaat are you saying?”

  “Your back,” I said, unable to stop myself. “At the very least, with… that… front, you must be in pain.”

  Silence.

  Her expression changed, shifting from baffled to seething rage. In the background, I heard the nerdy Vyn’kai burst into laughter so loud it echoed across the auditorium. He leaned forward on the console, wheezing and clutching his stomach, glasses sliding down his face.

  And then she snapped.

  She hurled herself at the force field, fists slamming against the invisible wall as she shrieked, “HOW DARE YOU! I AM THE GOD OF SEX YOU FUCKING PEASANT!!!! EVERYONE WANTS ME!” Each scream was punctuated by another furious punch.

  Her massive chest bounced wildly with each strike, colliding with the barrier between blows. The physics of it was impossible, a grotesque rhythm of fist, bounce, fist, bounce, as if her own body was sabotaging her rage.

  Vyn’kai only laughed harder, his face red with tears as he gasped, “Oh my god… I cannot breathe.”

  Byto stood frozen, arms limp at his sides, as though even he had no idea what he was watching.

  And me? I just pressed myself against the back of the cage, silently hoping the laws of physics would finally win and she would topple over.

  Finally, Byto snapped out of his daze. He raised his arms dramatically and bellowed, “Jora, that is enough!” His voice cracked like a drill sergeant who had smoked too much.

  The force-field rattling stopped. Jora froze mid-swing, her massive chest still wobbling from the momentum. She lowered her fists, pouting like a scolded child, her swollen lips trembling as she glared at me through the barrier.

  Vyn’kai had collapsed against his console, shoulders shaking. He wiped tears from his eyes, laughter still spilling out in broken gasps. Byto smacked him on the shoulder hard enough to make the screen in front of him flicker. “Pull yourself together, Vyn’kai. You’ve made your point. Now tell me what you actually need.”

  Jora sniffled loudly, still sulking, her eyelashes fluttering like windshield wipers on overdrive. “Heee was so mean to meee,” she whined, pointing a manicured finger at me. “He said my booobies hurt my baaaack. Boys like you always say things like that when you’re just jealous.” She stomped one bare foot, setting her proportions bouncing again in grotesque rhythm. “Yooou need to punish him!”

  I pressed my lips together, biting down on the thousand comments trying to escape. Still not loving this.

  Vyn’kai, still chuckling, finally sat up straight. “Password,” he said still trying to get his breath.

  Byto growled under his breath but leaned over the console anyway, his chains jingling. He typed something in with exaggerated motions, like a teenager slamming keys in defiance, then straightened. “There. Done.”

  His glare locked onto me, sharp and unblinking, as though he blamed me for forcing him to type in his own credentials. “So, Vyn’kai, what is your brilliant solution this time?”

  “Location patch, as usual,” Vyn’kai said with the same weary tone as before. He flicked something on the console, glass panes lighting up around him. “You know we cannot do a full version update without starting a cascade of complaints, so we do patches.”

  Byto frowned, crossing his arms. “What does that mean in practice?”

  “It means I am using your admin access to swap skills,” Vyn’kai explained patiently. “Looking at the last three reported Resonance Spikes, they all tie back to one thing. We could remove the Adonis body template entirely and swap in another [Bard] skill. But then any skill meant to influence the Eros-lattice such as [Charm], [Seduce], [Enthrall] — would trigger the same zero percent conflict, and we would be right back here again.”

  Byto waved his hand. “So fix it already.”

  “I found an atypical skill we can use,” Vyn’kai said, tapping the console. “[Influence Immunity]. It should cut off the loop entirely.”

  At this, Jora gasped and clutched her chest dramatically, which set off another ripple effect through her impossible body. “[Influence Immunity]? Buuuut that’s, like, a big scary boss skill, right? Only monster-girls in dark castles are supposed to have that!”

  “Yes,” Vyn’kai said evenly. “Normally it is restricted to boss spawns. But it is not monster-exclusive. Several classes that can absorb abilities can technically access it, so it is already coded for soulmesh. That makes it viable for this patch.”

  “Basically,” he continued sounding proud of himself, “I’m deleting the [Adonis Body] skill, replacing it with [Influence Immunity], and that stops any more resonance spikes before they happen again.”

  Byto rubbed his chin, unimpressed. “But monster skills cannot level. Won’t that break something?”

  “No,” Vyn’kai replied with the patience of a man explaining printer settings to a manager for the fiftieth time. “[Influence Immunity] is a fixed-value skill. It does not scale, but it does not need to. It is already slated for a hosts soul.”

  Byto pressed his hand against his face, groaning like this was all beneath him. “Still, it is replacing a class starter body template. That is default coding. If we get audited, won’t that raise concerns?”

  “As it is an error patch,” Vyn’kai said, his tone flat and clinical, “I can override with admin authority. That ensures it will pass through an audit. We will flag the change, note the reason, and move on. I am also adding a subroutine to his host class. If you roll another skill that attempts to bind to the Eros Lattice, it will automatically reroll to a different ability set.”

  I stood there listening, my head spinning. It was starting to click. The [Adonis Body] skill had never seemed to do anything, and now I understood why.

  With me being asexual, which sounds new to these guys the skill was broken. Worse, it was the cause of that nightmare feedback with the forest nymphs — what they called the resonance spike was probably where we all dropped screaming and I only survived by brute forcing. That was a bug they were patching.

  Still, hearing three...whatever's discuss me like I was a corrupted file was not exactly comforting.

  “Excuse me,” I said loudly.

  All three turned to me startled, like they had forgotten I was an actual person who could speak.

  “It sounds like I’m getting a raw deal here.”

  Byto sneered instantly. “Raw deal? We are fixing you. That's thanks enough.”

  I took a steadying breath. My instincts kicked in, the old auditor presentation mode I had relied on for years. Keep it short. Keep it clear. Speak like you know they are bored but you still have something worth hearing.

  “I am receiving a new skill that does not level, correct? My understanding is that skills tied to body templates also grant stat bonuses. Going forward, am I losing the stat growth I should have had?”

  Byto barked a laugh. “Nice try. You are not tricking us into handing you another ability. You get what you get.”

  “I am not asking for more,” I said calmly, raising a hand. “I am asking what is fair. If I am losing growth, I need to know.”

  Byto considered me for a moment, arms crossed, jaw tight. Jora still sulking, glared at me through the force field like I had insulted her all over again.

  Vyn’kai leaned back in his chair, eyes glinting with quiet amusement. He was enjoying this.

  “All right,” I said, shifting my approach, offer solutions when talking about a problem. “If nothing else, perhaps some advice. I am new to this world, I do not know the rules”.

  Byto smirked. “Ha. Sure, why not. You will not remember this anyway. Ask one question.” His smile got meaner with a glance at the female, "But you can only ask one of us".

  My mind raced, skipping over the memory thing. I only get one shot? Boobzilla was still glaring, arms folded under her obscene proportions, lips puckered in fury. Byto was standing proud, his pierced nipples practically winking at me, dripping arrogance. And then there was Vyn’kai, slouched at his console, looking like he hated his job but had already solved the biggest problem in the room without even sweating.

  Easy choice.

  “Sir, at the console,” I said, nodding to Vyn’kai. “I would like your advice. You seem to be the one fixing the problem. Anything you can tell me that will help me survive would be very much appreciated.”

  Byto’s smile vanished. Jora’s pout deepened into a scowl. Both glared at me, then at each other, equally offended that I had not chosen them.

  Oh well.

  Vyn’kai leaned back in his chair, his lips curling into the faintest smile. He tapped his fingers against the console as if considering whether to even waste the effort on me. Finally, he said, “The best advice you is to always think outside the box. Even if you have to pry the box open with your teeth.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  He continued, his tone dry as sand. “Your abilities are your best tools, but most people are unimaginative. They use their skills in the most obvious, boring ways. They have a hammer, so everything looks like a nail. But a hammer can also be a paperweight, or a doorstop, or something to scratch your back with when nobody is around. None of those are ideal, but sometimes ideal is not the point. Sometimes survival just means being the guy who thinks to use a hammer as a soup ladle because there is no spoon.”

  He smirked faintly, clearly amused with himself. “Try not to be boring [Bard]. This universe already has too many boring people.”

  Before I could answer, Byto clapped his hands together. “Enough. I am done with this.” He straightened his chains, puffing out his chest. “I have a literal pile of naked mortals waiting for me. Vyn’kai, is it finished?”

  “Yeah,” Vyn’kai said with a shrug, turning back to his console. “The new skill has been patched in. We are good to go.”

  I noticed a faint bing at the corner of my vision, a new notification waiting. I ignored it, I can check it when this circus is over.

  That was when Jora spoke.

  She slinked forward, her hips wobbling side to side like her body was made of rubber bands. She leaned over the console, lips puckered, eyes fixed entirely on me.

  “Well, asshole,” she purred, her voice syrupy sweet but trembling with malice, “why don’t you do us allll a favor and forget everything that just happened.”

  A strange sensation washed over me, unlike anything I had felt in this world. It was not pain or pressure, it was an absence.

  Like being in a car during heavy rain that only lasts a few seconds, and not feeling the wet even though you felt like you probably should.

  Jora’s swollen lips curved into a wicked smile. Without warning, she leaned lower, pressed one giant breast into the edge of the console for balance, and jabbed at a glowing red button with one delicate finger.

  “Buh-byyyyyeee,” she sang, wiggling her fingers in a childish wave.

  My vision started to flare white.

  The last thing I saw was Byto and Vyn’kai staring at her in absolute horror, mouths open.

  And then everything was gone.